by Erika Schiche
Imagine Curious George running as presidential candidate for the Non-Anthropomorphic Party. Perhaps a fictive "Uncle Sham" could run, using the fear tactic of pointing a firearm at his truly captive audience and shouting, "I Want You ... to stand still! And don't move unless you want a taste of my proclivities!"
Maybe the persona non grata, the anonymous black man or woman guilty of every transgressive act, could run for president -- he or she would be the beneficiary of free, unlimited media exposure, and would definitely listen to the vox pop.
I'd be willing to cast a ballot for either of the aforementioned candidates before voting for Clinton or the four Republicans in a blanket.
It's good for throat lozenge-deprived Pat Buchanan's sake that he isn't androgynous, because the mudslingers would probably make fun of that, and the fact Pat's sibling, Angela, doesn't know whether to refer to Pat as he or she.
In the wake of his devastating corn-on-the-cob binge in nondescript Iowa, Buchanan has talked glibly of conducting a few "burials" in Arizona. He can solicit the services of Patty "Hearse," the former abductee who made a slight modification in her last name so she could become the proprietor of a funeral transportation service.
Steve Forbes could really show his desperation by pleading with the undecided, moderate and so-called fiscal conservative voters to vote for him in exchange for a six-month trial subscription to his magazine.
Lamar Alexander and Bob Dole could boost their sagging campaigns by being truly unctuous and expressing their base desire for the presidency by cooking green eggs and ham with some Berenstain bears at Denny's. Since the deadpan humor of Lamar Alexander has already convinced more than one person that Dole should step aside, maybe Dole could counter with some slogans: "Vote for Dole because I'm sweeter than a pineapple in a can and can surely spell better than Dan!" or "Get off the welfare wagon and support the Senate dragon!" The name Dole, in this instance, obviously represents a "triple" entendre.
Perhaps Jesus could run for president. He tells the truth, doesn't need an entourage, can sanction the feeding of the masses with a paltry amount of food, likes babies and can fellowship with "undesirables," and doesn't need a soundbite.
Maybe we should have a different president every quarter -- we wouldn't get attached to any of them, and no matter how poor or how exceptional a job they do, they wouldn't be trapped in a state of mental paralyzed sloth (living in squalor amidst the "garbage" of their empty promises and discarded vision). Perhaps the reason most of us are disinterested is that most of us realize the rift between slick politicians and citizens widens faster than it takes a bullet to leave a gun.
Schiche is a senior English major.