by Jason Ginsburg
When I was younger, my father would always come home in the evening and ask me what I had learned in school that day. Of course, having attended public school, I would always answer him with, "I didn't learn anything today, but I won $10 playing poker."
Anyway, I'm still attending a public school, but one that's a bit more refined. We play pool here and are expected to learn something new from time to time -- and so I have. Here are some of the things that I've discovered this semester, Dad:
* France did not beat Prussia in the Franco-Prussian War, even though it got top billing. (Come to think of it, has France beaten anyone since Napoleon was running the place?)
* Pol Sci. 3362 --"Political Marketing" -- is not being offered in an election year.
* The CIA can be blamed for almost anything. (Now I know how to handle my next traffic ticket.)
* The East/West struggle of the Cold War has been replaced by a North/South struggle. The North simply takes whatever it wants from the South, whose people then shoot at each other over whatever's left. I know that it's not much of a struggle, but living in the North, I tend not to complain.
* My photograph looks more like the Unabomber than it does me. (And you wondered how I stay in print.)
* Biology is very difficult. I took it because I needed a science core, but the class has spooked me terribly. After learning how every intricate part of my body precisely works, I'm amazed that I'm even able to just sit here and breathe. (My TV keeps screwing up and it has less gizmos than I do. How long can I last?)
* UH Athletics can be given a new state-of-the-art facility despite not actually winning anything. It's just like the pros!
* Americans like to judge the rest of the world based on our own particular morality. I find that funny because, according to our popular culture, we have no morality. (This explains some of our more interesting foreign policy decisions.)
* I can go a whole semester without upsetting Jesse Handy too much.
* The American presidency is the most demanding job on Earth, consisting of handling massive responsibilities with speed, skill, charm and integrity. (So, we elected the Governor of Arkansas to the position, of course.)
* The media are basically good despite their being biased and self-serving. In short, they're just like you or me.
* International law is like chewing gum. You use it until you no longer like the taste, then you just spit it out. Some people may not like you spitting, but they won't stop you unless you're spitting at them.
* The Daily Cougar is run by Martians. (You always suspected as much, and now you know.)
* And with finals coming up soon, I have learned that I wish I had more time to learn ...
Ginsburg is a junior political science major.