Mr. Whiny and Mr. Nazi are working together.
Rep. Charles Rangel, D-N.Y., and Rep. Bill Archer, R-Houston, are co-authors of a bill currently meandering its way through the House of Representatives. On a weirdness scale, this ranks some-where between Yasser Arafat and Itzhak Rabin signing a peace treaty and seeing Jesus and Lucifer in a bar, totally plastered, singing old '50s love songs together. "And I wonder, wonder whoooooooooo - who wrote the Book of Job?"
What is this thing that's so heinous, so malevolent, so nefarious, diabolical and purely, totally and thoroughly evil as to unite these two opposing gladiators of the American political arena together? The Internal Revenue Service.
Archer and Rangel are sponsors of a bill that would make it illegal for an IRS employee to look at a taxpayer's files without authorization.
This is something that is all too rare in politics. Here we have bipartisan support for a bill that would, we can all agree, do some good. Congress is doing what it's supposed to be doing. Our government is protecting us.
Thus, while this good sense lasts, here are some suggestions for other laws that need to be passed to make this country a better place.
1.) An American Reinheitsgebot
Reinheitsgebot is the German Beer Purity Law of 1516. It states that only the four basic ingredients (water, malted barley, yeast and hops) may be used in the making of beer. Our country is having a national beer crisis. While microbreweries are giving the big breweries some healthy competition, there is still entirely too much bad beer out there, as anyone who's ever had beer with a born-on-date can attest. A country is only as strong as its beer drinkers. I myself will not rest until every bar, tavern and icehouse in America serves black-and-tans.
2.) An amendment to the First Amendment
Okay, we all know that the First Amendment to the Constitution is pure political genius. Two hundred years later, though, there are still some wrinkles that need to be ironed out. I propose the following amendment to the First Amendment:
"The following persons, artistic endeavors, advertisements, etc., are excluded from protection under the First Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America: heavy metal music, Russian medieval history doctoral students, commercials advertising any product or service relating to the genital-anal region (including, but not limited to, tampons, maxipads, douches, jock itch creams, adult diapers, hemorrhoid ointments, any toilet paper that refers to itself as being 'soft' and yeast infection creams), rap music, any person who doesn't bathe, pornography, any man with hair that goes past his shoulders, women, minorities, vegetarians, anyone with a bumper sticker that reads 'Clinton doesn't inhale, he just sucks,' senior citizens, minors, liberals, Democrats and anyone who eats tofu."
3.) A balanced-budget amendment - Gramm-Rudman hasn't worked. What we ought to do is pass a bill which states, in effect, that all money used to finance the deficit must come out of the pockets of our beloved U.S. senators and representatives. Then they'd figure out a way to cut the deficit.
On a more serious note, Mike Royko is very ill. For those of you who don't know who Mike Royko is, his column runs daily (I think) in the Chicago Tribune, and also appears Sunday in the Chronicle. I would like to wish him a speedy recovery. He is what I hope to be one day - a good writer.
Pennell is a junior English major.