Jesse Handy |
I don't claim to be a very wise man, but there are mysterious things that make me wonder. Here are a few questions I've pondered that, if any of you know the answers to, I urge you to write in and tell me.
1.) Why the hell is it that hot dogs come in packs of 10 and buns come in packs of 12? Are the meat-packing and bakery industries just in the midst of some lengthy pissing contest that we don't know about?
2.) Why do cockroaches and Hostess Twinkies have a better chance of surviving a thermonuclear attack than we do?
3.) Why do the majority of sweepstakes and lottery winners seem to be 65 and older and nonchalant about the fact that they've just become exceedingly wealthy? Just once, I'd like to see a voluptuous, 21-year-old cocktail waitress named Vicki win and go totally nuts.
4.) Why do some jobs require you to be a member of a labor union before they hire you, without realizing that the union won't let you join unless you have experience in the job you're trying to get in the first place?
5.) Where are the cops who follow you for six blocks at a stretch when some jerk steals your car stereo?
6.) Why do really attractive people seem to think they're ugly and really unattractive people think they're the center of the known universe?
7.) Why do teachers who hate students continue to teach? If you have an utter contempt for students, find another line of work. You'll be happy and make students delirious.
8.) When will we be able to drive on the Gulf Freeway without seeing some form of construction going on?
9.) Why does America call itself "land of the free and home of the brave" considering it tried to kill half the "braves" and put the rest away on desolate reservations?
10.) Why can't owners of pro sports teams build - and pay for - their own damn stadiums? If I'm buying you a stadium, I at least want some tickets to something!
11.) Why are the most outspoken opponents of abortion middle-aged men?
12.) Why don't victims' rights groups ever come to the aid of those who've been beaten, killed or harassed by the police or law-enforcement agencies? I'm still waiting for Justice for All to come to my aid to tell me how to get an apology and financial reimbursement from the pigs who broke into my house a few weeks ago.
13.) Why do things under warranty always seem to break a day or two after the warranty expires?
14.) Why do people who borrow money from you and take forever to pay it back act indignant when they finally pay you or act as if they're doing you a favor by giving you back your money?
15.) Why do those same ingrates act surprised when you put your fist down their throats to adjust their attitude?
16.) Knowing that Patti LaBelle will try to upstage everyone in every sense of the word, why do performers still insist on doing duets with her?
17.) Why do the same open-minded "breeders" who embrace lesbians and lesbianism still treat male homosexuals like lepers? Ellen DeGeneres came out of the closet and got the cover of Time, but film icon Rock Hudson did the same and only got the cover of People because he was dying of AIDS.
18.) Why does the University of Houston allow the athletic program to annually operate millions of dollars in debt while cutting funding to actual academic programs (like business, communication or art) if they went a paltry $10,000 in the red?
19.) Why do women continually date total jerks, assuming they can change them, and then get pissed off when they realize they can't? If your name's not Annie Sullivan, don't try to be a miracle worker.
This column may have made you ponder exactly what my point was - in which case, you now have a question of your own.
Handy is a senior RTV major who
felt like being Frank Rossi today.