I would like to thank the following people. That does not mean, however, that they want to be thanked by me.
Liz Carter is the editor in chief of The Daily Cougar. Liz and I never see eye-to-eye; this is usually because I'm on my knees begging for my job in her presence. You see, Liz feels that columns appearing on a college op/ed page should be intelligent and in good taste, two things my columns have never been known to be. She has taken a lot of heat from certain readers who feel that my columns are sometimes inappropriate, and she has always stood by me. So, in exchange for her support, I promised Liz that I would never use the word "vagina" in a column ever ... oops. Sorry, Liz.
Scott Williams is the managing editor of The Daily Cougar. He really likes my columns. Scott also really likes professional wrestling.
Diane is president, and sole member, of the Kevin Pennell fan club. Unlike myself, she is a writer, and a good one at that. She is always there in times of need with a shoulder to cry on and words of encouragement. "Diane," I said to her one day, "I just don't know what to do. I hate my boss; I'm never going to graduate; I'm late with the rent; my truck won't start; my cat bit me; I've despaired over finding my true love, and even if I did I don't think I could get it up. What am I going to dooo?" "Kevin," she said, "shut up and drink your beer."
Heather is one of my best friends. I have known her for six years. They have been the longest six years of my life. But that's not her fault. Heather is a feminist who staunchly believes that a woman can do anything a man can do. Every time we go out drinking, she proves it.
Her favorite writer is Molly Ivins. Mine is P. J. O'Rourke. We often discuss the merits of the two writers in a mature, adult way. ("Molly Ivins!" "P. J. O'Rourke!" "MOLLY!" "P. J.!")
One night I was feeling amorous. "Heather," I said, "how 'bout we go back to my place? I'll show you my P. J. if you'll show me your Molly." "Oh, sure, Kevin," she said, "when pigs fly!" "But Heather," I said, "pigs fly all the time. In fact, just the other day I was driving down the street when a pig flew right past me, sirens wailing and everything!" She told me to drink my beer and shut up.
Whether we like it or not, we're all just like our parents, and I honestly can't think of two people I'd rather be like more than my mom and dad. My dad gave me his sense of humor, and my mom gave me the ability to speak my mind. Unfortunately, neither gave me any intelligence, which explains why my columns are so void of meaning, or, as my friends sometimes say, "Shut up and drink your beer." I love my parents very much, which is why I won't shame them by printing their names. They'd only deny it, anyway.
Finally, I must thank all of you. No, it's not for anything sappy like "Thank you for reading my columns, huh huh," or "Duh, thanks for making this such a great school." Any time a Republican you don't know starts thanking you, it usually relates to money. This is no different.
I received a scholarship for my summer trip to France. This scholarship came out of the $1 International Education Fee that appears on your fee bill. So, in essence, you're paying for my education. I do not tell you this to rub it in, but only so that you will know that your IEF dollars aren't being poured into the same cesspool as the rest of your fees.
Then again, depending on your opinion of me, maybe they are.
Pennell is a junior English major who does not wish to thank Lisa Chmiola for anything.