"Never have a battle of wits with an unarmed person." - Mom
I'm about to go against Mom's advice. Of late, and wherefore I know not, I have been the subject of a number of vicious and cowardly attacks in print.
Ed De La Garza, a struggling (and not entirely hygienic) cartoonist has libeled me on various occasions.
Feb. 25 - In a column about, of all things, professional wrestling, Mr. De La Garza stated that he has me in "a figure four leg-lock," whatever that is supposed to mean.
March 5 - In his "Perry the Great" comic strip, Mr. De La Garza has trumpeters announce and a red carpet rolled out for "the columnists" (i.e., me, since I'm the only columnist worth a damn). This is a reference to my supposedly inflated ego.
March 6 - In his aforementioned strip, Mr. De La Garza has me wearing a T-shirt that reads "I brake for 14-year olds," implying that I pursue relationships with prepubescent girls, and "High Times," implying that I am a drug user.
For my reply, see the graph "How Ed De La Garza Turns Children into Satan Worshippers" found above.
As for your specific charges against me, Ed, I shall respond to them now. First, you do not have me in a figure-four leg lock. You can't even draw me in a figure-four leg lock. In fact, you can't even draw a 4.
Second, I do not actively pursue 14-year-old girls. You are probably referring to my column about the 36-year-old teacher who'd been having sex with a 14-year-old student.
Yes, in that column, I did state that I was going to the nearest middle school for my piece of the junior-high pie.
But I didn't mean that literally. It's called satire, Ed. Although I wouldn't expect someone who watches professional wrestling to understand it. Besides, I don't have to pursue 14-year-old girls. They pursue me (That's satire too, Ed. Get it?).
As far as your allegations that I am a drug user, well, the pot shouldn't call the kettle black. I have seen you smoking weed (in the sense that tobacco is a weed) on numerous occasions.
Finally, Ed, you refer to my ego. Well, if you could write half as good as I can, you'd have a monstrous ego too. I can honestly state that I am the greatest writer in Daily Cougar, nay, in American history. Tremble Before My Mighty Pen!
I don't know if this is what you were expecting when you slandered me so maliciously in print. But I suggest that you drag your de la butt back to your de la drawing board.
And while you're there, learn how to draw. My hair looks nothing like it does in your strip.
Pennell is a senior English major.