WASHINGTON, April 11, 2038 - The investigation into the alleged affair between former President Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky took a turn toward closure last night when Clinton, 91, was found dead in the bedroom of Lewinsky's Georgetown apartment.
The silence over Lewinsky's street was broken this morning as news media crowded the block, attempting to get statements from her lawyers.
"We have nothing to say except that this does not prove that Ms. Lewinsky and Mr. Clinton were having any sort of relationship," said Mark Guynton, head of Lewinsky's defense team for 21 years.
"We are still attempting to determine how Mr. Clinton got into the apartment and into Ms. Lewinsky's arms," Guynton said. "Preliminary investigation shows that he was delivering a financial report to her bedroom office when he passed away."
Condolence calls and statements from dignitaries across the globe began flooding Washington just hours after Clinton's death.
President Brandy Norwood, who began her political career as a singer and actress during Clinton's eight years in office, issued her sentiments in a brief statement early this morning.
"The nation is very saddened by the loss of Bill Clinton," Norwood's statement read. "I, for one, am disappointed that there may be no more coverage of the scandal."
Norwood's press secretary Neve Campbell announced at a media conference today that the White House had put together a temporary media relief bill, which would provide government subsidies to news media to compensate them for a lack of breaking Clinton stories.
The act will be submitted for Congressional approval during a special legislative session later this week. It is estimated that 78 percent of all domestic television programming this year will deal with the Clinton-Lewinsky situation.
An investigation into the situation began in January 1998 with allegations that Clinton had carried on an extramarital affair with Lewinsky, a former White House intern, and has since achieved notoriety as the lengthiest governmental inquiry in the history of the United States.
As such, the 40-year probe has seen its share of odd developments.
The first came relatively early, when in late 1999 then-Attorney General Janet Reno announced she was a man. After resigning her post, Reno, who changed her name to James, moved to Canada. He was replaced by Calista Flockhart, who played the title-role lawyer on the popular late-1990s television series Ally McBeal.
At the turn of the century, both Clinton's second term and his marriage to Hillary Rodham ended. Rodham, now 90, divorced Clinton days after he left the White House.
Rodham resides in South Carolina with husband Strom Thurmond, Republican senator from that state, who celebrated his 135th birthday in December. She retired from her law career 11 years ago and is now publisher emeritus of a ladies' magazine, Hillary at Home.
She could not be reached for comment on Clinton's death.
In 2013, Special Prosecutor Kenneth Starr, who heads the investigation, suffered a debilitating injury when a stack of affidavits fell off a shelf and crushed his legs in his Washington office.
Scientists at the University of Wisconsin, however, used Starr's genetic material to create a clone two weeks after the accident left the prosecutor crippled. Starr, 91, has been working with his clone, Kenneth Starr 2, since that time.
Prior to duplicating Starr, Wisconsin's genetic science department was best known for creating pigs that looked like actress Tori Spelling.
In 2023, a quarter-century into the investigation, Clinton's lawyers issued a statement clarifying his 1998 announcement that he had not carried on an "inappropriate relationship" with Lewinsky.
The new statement said that, in fact, Clinton had not had sex with anyone during his lifetime.
"I am confident the American people will believe me when I tell them, and I cannot stress this enough, that I am celibate," Clinton told Newsweek in one of his last recorded interviews.
With most of the major players in the scandal having mysteriously disappeared over the years, the two Starrs' questioning has taken a back seat to dealing with paperwork that has accumulated over the course of the probe.
In response to criticism from environmental groups, Starr 2 announced today that some of the investigation's excess paperwork would be used for landfill projects along the Arizona/Nevada portion of the Pacific coast.
Lewinsky, 64, is president and CEO of the Lewinsky Fund for Mergers and Acquisitions. The fund, one of the world's top financial organizations, was created when the federal government purchased American Express, a 20th century credit, travel and investment giant.
That purchase and the subsequent restructuring of the company to suit Lewinsky were handled by former Clinton aide Vernon Jordan, who had tried without success to get Lewinsky jobs at Revlon and American Express.
"This is nothing unusual," Jordan said when the government purchase of American Express was announced.
"We were unable to locate a job for her, so we bought her a company and let her run it. That is nothing more than we would do to help any White House intern."
Parsons, a junior journalism major, urges you to remember that you read it here first.