Well, well, well. It looks like I ruffled the feathers of everybody's favorite pick-me-up columnist. Kevin Pennell, who was once called the anti-Christ of the Daily Cougar, is trying to connect me with Satanism. I better take a minute to try and recover from his vicious attack.
Okay, that's enough. Pennell, you deceiving, gunrack-in-the-truck driving, overall wearing, .38-Special listening, over- compensating for a small problem, intellectual-pretending goof. Just go back to your Tandy 1000 and hack out another mini-epic about looking for prostitutes in Amsterdam instead of trying to use your vapid wit to accuse me unjustly.
First of all Kevin, if you want to talk about slander, let's go back in time - your THC-soaked brain may have trouble keeping up with this; don't overdo it - to your March 9 column in which you attack my drawing ability, choice of topics, intellect and hygiene.
Oh good, Kevin. Go to the hygiene card. If you want to bring appearance into the picture, I suggest that you try using a brand new invention that all the hip people seem to love. It's called ... the comb. They say it helps control one's hair. But you never know, that "poofy" look might come back.
I'm sorry I missed the "satire" in your columns, Kevin. Their utter lack of wit led me to believe they expressed your true feelings.
As for that fancy looking diagram that claims to prove that I lead innocent children into devil-worshipping, what children are you talking about? Is the Daily Cougar now being distributed to some elementary school I'm not aware of? Unless of course you're referring to the 10-year-old prodigies, in which case who cares about those freaks?
Maybe it's that satire thing again. Being a dumb cartoonist I can't never told fer shur.
I can understand where your animosity toward me stems from. To help the reader, I've compiled a brief history of your life.
While every other kindergartner has a firm grasp of what a circle looks like, the young future columnist is unable to draw anything resembling this elusive shape no matter how many "How to draw" books he orders from Troll Book Club.
His classmates' taunts echo in his mind as little Kevin scurries home in tears.
Thinking his parents will offer sympathy, he is crushed when they label him "the slow one" instead.
His embarrassment only worsens when, in later years, he is forced to go up to the chalkboard and draw an isosceles triangle. Young Kevin is given a ruler and protractor, but his trembling hands won't let him escape the jeers of his classmates.
Kevin immerses himself in grammar and literature classes but fails to impress the girls with spontaneous Shakespeare quotes.
Finding himself alone, Kevin spends his sleepless nights repeating the positive reinforcement mantra, "I'll show them."
With no other outlet for his pain and humiliation, he spends his time writing down his innermost thoughts in a journal, refusing to call it a diary even though it has a lacy pink cover with a heart-shaped key.
As he reads back his daily musings, he begins to laugh maniacally, thinking he has finally found his calling as a humorist/columnist. His fragile emotions are shattered when once again he learns that nobody cares.
As the now middle-aged Kevin Pennell peddles his latest literary masterpiece to Greensheet, his eyes catch sight of a horrific image.
Across the street the now-famous "Perry, the Great" cartoonist has a book signing for yet another of his popular collections.
It's sad, really.
I actually feel sorry for you, Kevin. In fact, I'm going to offer you an opportunity to face your inner demons.
As history's greatest cartoonist (see, I'm catching on to the satire bit), I challenge you to produce a week's worth of comic strips. I have spoken to Ingrid, Cougar chief, and she has agreed to let you have my space for the week of March 23-27. I'll take your refusal as a show of cowardice.
I now call on the readers to give me your opinions. Should Kevin accept my challenge, I want to know what you think of his strip. I will print responses after the "Challenge Week."
E-mail me at edelagar@bayou.uh.edu. All responses are welcome.
Except for Cachola's.
De La Garza is a junior
political science major.