Ingrid Allstrom Staff Writer
The Engagement
Gone are the days when the man would drop to one knee with a diamond ring to "pop the question." More and more couples are deciding together to make the commitment.
Whatever the case, most couples want their engagement to be a happy, non-stressful, tasteful one.
Q: How do you announce your engagement?
A: Before announcing your engagement to the rest of the world, it's a good idea to let your parents and immediate family in on the secret. It also isn't a bad idea to arrange for the parents to meet each other, if they haven't already.
A party is a good way to announce the news to your good friends and close family. This should be something appropriate for both men and women, like a barbecue. Traditionally, these little dos have been given by the parents of the bride, but now it is probably more appropriate for the couple to host the event jointly.
You may also choose to announce in the newspaper. Each paper has its own wording, but generally you would submit something like:
"Mr. and Mrs. John Doe of Conroe, Texas, announce the engagement of their daughter Jane to Mr. James Smith of Denton ..."
Or, if you prefer (this is more appropriate for the older couple):
"The engagement is announced of Ms. Jane Doe of Conroe, Texas, to Mr. James Smith ..."
The newspaper announcement should never be sent more than a year before the projected date of the wedding.
Don't send engraved announcements. It's tacky.
Q. Do you need a ring to get engaged?
A. No. Some people prefer to delay getting the ring in order to put the money to more practical uses. Not only that, but it is both correct and very wise for the man to include his future bride in the selection of the engagement ring.
Q. How long is the "ideal" length of an engagement?
A. Obviously, that depends on the circumstances. If the wedding is to be formal, the best length is between 12 and 24 months. Some churches and reception sites must be reserved up to two years ahead of time, so for the super-formal ceremony, that is not an unreasonable length.
The less formal the ceremony, the less planning time you will need. Ultimately, unless there is some reason why the planning for the ceremony must be rushed, it is up to the couple. Three months is about the shortest an engagement should ever be.
Expenses and planning
Many couples foot the bill themselves, and often the two families go in equally. But on the traditional divisions of expenses:
Q. What expenses do the bride and her family have?
A. When the bride's family is hosting the wedding, they pay for the wedding and reception expenses, the groom's ring, church fees, accommodations for her attendants (if necessary) and presents for the attendants.
Q. What expenses do the groom and his family have?
A. The engagement and wedding rings, the marriage license, the rehearsal dinner, a present for the bride, lodging and presents for his attendants, the priest, minister or rabbi's fee, the bride's bouquet, corsages for the women and all expenses of the honeymoon.
Attendants
Q. What expenses do the attendants have?
A. They pay for their own clothes, whether rented or purchased. They usually give a joint present to the bride and groom in addition to individual gifts. They pay for their own transportation, though the couple is responsible for their lodging. Bridesmaids often give a shower for the bride.
Q. How many attendants is appropriate?
A. One usher for every 50 guests, plus a best man for the groom. There should not be more bridesmaids than ushers, though there frequently are. For a formal wedding, there can be from four to 10 bridesmaids, and in a semiformal, between three and six.
Q. What are age limits for children in the wedding?
A. Ring-bearers and flower girls, 3 to 7 years old. Junior ushers and bridesmaids, 8 to 14 years old.
Announcements and Invitations
Q. How far in advance of a wedding should invitations be sent?
A. Four to six weeks for a large or formal wedding, and at least 10 days in advance for a simple ceremony.
Q. Whose names should be on the invitations?
A. Whoever is hosting the ceremony - usually the parents of the bride.
Q. Can both divorced parents be listed on an invitation?
A. Up until recently, the answer has been absolutely not. But if both parents are hosting the event together and they are both comfortable with it, there is no reason not to list both.
Q. When should the invitation be issued by the couple only?
A. When it is the second marriage of either person, when the couple is financing their own wedding or when neither set of parents is providing a majority of financial support for the wedding.
The Ceremony
The ceremony will vary depending on the religion and region, so it is impossible to list all the etiquette rules for each. An Orthodox Jewish ceremony will vary wildly from a Reform ceremony, for example.
Meet with the clergyman or woman where you want to hold the ceremony as soon as possible. He or she will direct you about the do's and don'ts of the ceremony if you don't already know.
Many churches do not allow secular music, videotaping or photography during the ceremony. If you want to add to the traditional vows or create your own, you will first need to check with the officiant.
If your church will not allow you to alter the vows, and you still want to add your own, ask if you can read them in place of the homily or sermon.
If you are a part of a religion or sect with which you know most of your guests will not be familiar, work with the officiant to create a program that will explain what the guests are expected to do.
In all cases, though, the fee to the minister or rabbi (usually between $100 and $300) is paid by the groom, but delivered by the best man before or after the ceremony.
The Reception
These questions are designed to address a sit-down dinner reception with a band, but there are other types. A morning wedding could lead to a brunch reception. An early afternoon wedding could have a "finger-food reception" without dancing. A garden wedding might end with a small outdoor reception for the family.
Still, though, the reception is what people will remember, so a formal wedding ceremony will usually be followed by a sit-down or buffet dinner and a band or disc jockey.
Q. What is a bridal table?
A. The bridal table is where the bride and groom and attendants sit at a seated reception. The parents, godparents, grandparents, etc., then sit at a parents' table.
Q. How is the wedding cake cut?
A. The cake is usually cut after the main course and is served as dessert. The couple cuts the first piece together with his hand over hers, and then they feed it to each other. If it is a buffet, they might cut it before leaving.
Q. What is the order for dancing?
A. The bride and groom always dance the first dance, then the groom's father cuts in and the groom dances with his mother. Then her father cuts in and he dances with her mother. The order really isn't important as long as the bride dances with the right men before the dancing becomes general.
Q. Who toasts the bride and the couple?
A. The best man usually toasts them first, followed by anyone else who is close to the couple. The best man should make sure that the toasts don't get out of hand, as they tend to get boring after the first 10 or 20.
Q. How long should the reception be?
A. The normal length is about three to five hours. The ideal length obviously depends on the specific circumstances, time of day and so on. When the couple cuts the cake, it should be a signal that things are winding down. The wise couple will leave before getting too tired, especially if they are leaving immediately for their honeymoon.