Welcome to April. Traditionally a time for stupid, cruel or intricate practical jokes, April Fool's Day (which fell on April 1 this year) also tends to bring out the worst in college newspapers.
You know, they run obviously fake stories, shamelessly displaying them on page 2, all in the name of juvenile college hilarity.
The Daily Cougar would be the last newspaper on earth to go against the grain. The following fake news story contains satire.
In a surprising vote, the University of Houston System Board of Regents' Administration and Finance Committee voted Monday to sell UH to Texas A&M University for an undisclosed amount.
The sale, which is unprecedented in the Texas public university system, includes all faculty and staff contracts as well as all physical plant facilities.
UH officials said the sale has been planned for the past few months, but it was not publicized in light of A&M's troubles acquiring the South Texas College of Law.
Spokespeople from A&M had no comment on the purchase, but a memorandum sent to upper-level A&M administrators from an unknown source gave an indication of some of the plans for UH.
According to the memo, UH will be renamed the "Texas A&M at Houston Center for Technical Studies." All but basic courses will be eliminated, and two degree plans will be introduced in the place of existing majors.
The two plans, the four-year agriculture degree and the five-year "Basic Engineering" degree, are expected to streamline admissions and course selection at Houston.
"Since everyone wants to either go into agriculture or engineering, we believe these two degrees are all that is necessary for a small community college like Houston's," the memo reads.
The acquisition also includes the Cougar football team, which will be sold to Blinn College in Brenham as a training group for A&M's varsity football team.
UH reaction to the sale was mostly positive. "I'm a little concerned about the fact that we will no longer have any degrees available but engineering and agriculture," said John Doe, a junior finance major. "Do we have an engineering department now?"
Other students seemed unconcerned that UH's traditions and mascot would be taking a back seat to those of A&M.
The A&M memo indicated that the Houston mascot would be changed from the cougar to the gerbil rather than the Aggie, which is the mascot of the A&M main campus.
"Sure, a gerbil sounds good," Doe said. "Do we have a mascot now?"
The existing UH marching band will be consolidated into the A&M Corps of Cadets. A fledgling Houston Corps will be founded to supplement the College Station organization.
Jane Doe, spokeswoman for the UH bookstore, said she believes the sale will have positive effects on sales of school paraphernalia.
"Students should have no problem with being a part of the A&M System," Doe said. "So many people here wear A&M shirts and hats already that we shouldn't notice much difference."
Parsons, a junior
journalism major, hopes to become the 13th Man.