"Hey, Jesse! Where's mine?!"
I've been hearing that question in many forms since my second semester as a columnist when I first did the Handy Awards. Since next week will be the last Handy Award column, I figured I might as well give all of you a little background on them and some popular truths and misconceptions about my most popular and only anticipated column.
"How did you get the idea for an awards column?" Well, I love awards shows, and in the period between the Grammys and the Oscars I thought about how frequently those who deserve an award are so often overlooked. I thought, "If I could give out awards, things would be different."
I took out a pad and started to trash those who pissed me off and compliment those I liked, and the Handy Awards were born.
"What's with the tux?" The tuxedo was actually the idea of former Cougar Editor in Chief Rivka Gwirtz and columnist Leonard "The Deathman" Cachola, and we all liked it and decided to keep it.
"Isn't this awards column thing just an exercise in egomania?" No, I named them after myself because all the titles for awards columns I could think of were too damned silly. I figured that since I'm the only guy who gets a vote I could just call them the Handy Awards. If I were an egomaniac I would have given myself at least one, don't you think?
"Why the 'Negro Please' Award?" I didn't use the racial slur, because I try to avoid using it, and the last thing I want is to encourage anyone (black or otherwise) to use it.
The award exists because frequently an African-American with potential for greatness instead either adds to the stereotypes and half-truths by being an idiot or simply uses being black as an excuse for being a moron without realizing they're helping to add to the misconception that blacks are a monolithic people with one mind.
"Has anyone ever thanked you for a Handy Award?" Cartoonists John Palamidy and Leonard Cachola both did, and I'm proud to say that UH Alumna Dominique Sasche gave me a big hug at Frontier Fiesta last year and said thank you very much for her small mountain of Handy Awards.
"How do you decide who gets one?" Simple. If it pissed me off or impressed me or if I could figure out some way of making you laugh, it was nominated. I'd write up a lengthy list and narrow it down to the best 10 or 15 and run them.
"Who's gotten the most?" Oiler owner Bud Adams has five, followed by KPRC Channel 2's Dominique Sasche with three, followed by Zeta Phi Beta's Almira, who has two.
"Ever regret giving someone an award?" No. I write the awards column weeks before it's actually printed so I have plenty of time to change my mind.
"Has anyone ever asked for an award?" All the time.
"Has anyone ever asked for one and gotten one?" The lovely Almira of Zeta Phi Beta asked for her second one. I don't know too many people who could look into those big brown eyes and say no. I'm certainly not one of them.
"Who knows the winners before the awards are printed?" Three people: me, myself and I. I'm proud to say that Handy Award recipients don't know that they're getting one until they see their names in print. Editors don't even know who gets what until the night before they're printed.
"What happened to the 'Daisy Duke Award for Maximum achievement in Minimum Denim?'" Women stopped wearing the micro-denim shorts, and my critics were saying it was derogatory to women, and I should have just called it the "cutie with a booty" or the "hottie with a body" award.
Some complained that I was implying that women should aspire to unrealistic physical goals. That wasn't a determining factor. Since when does the opinion of some jerk in a college newspaper mean that much? I think if you're insulted because someone else received a compliment on her legs, you need some professional help. Lighten up.
"Who should have received one but didn't?" Uncle Clarence Thomas for being such a sellout and my former gal-pal, Janet the Voluptuous Viet Vixen.
"What was the best part of doing an awards column?" I would have to say the way it was received by readers. Even people who hated my guts complimented me on the Awards. That's an honor. Join us next week for the final Handy Awards.
Handy is a senior RTV major