Hopefully Disney will forgive me for the following, but I feel it a fitting farewell to the place that'll be the non-recipient of my alumnal donations in a week from now. Now it's time to say good-bye to all my family ... M-I-C ... See you fools later! ... K-E-Y ... Why? ... Because I'm outta here! M-O-U-S-E.
Yeah, I said it. I call this place Mickey Mouse because I can guarantee that this place will pay more attention to me as an alumnus than it does to you the student who'll be here in the fall. I can guarantee that there still won't be any student D.J.s at KUHF 10 years from now.
So Clyde Drexler will be head basketball coach next year. I don't give a duck! (Quack!) Unless his team is comprised entirely of RTV majors and they all have a weekly slot on KUHF, I can honestly say I don't give a tinker's damn! I support the teams of this place, I just won't do so financially.
Since this is the last thing I plan on writing for the Cougar (unless Jim Parsons lets me do one alumnus column next semester), I just want to say the past few years have been both an honor and a privilege. If you guys didn't read me, they would have axed me a long time ago, and I thank you all for your support.
I have to admit I'll miss all of this. The deadlines that I beat by weeks at a time, the intellectual discussions with each of you who decided that despite how mean my photo looked I was probably a decent guy.
I'll especially miss the gorgeous young women, who looked as if they were either crafted by cosmetic surgeons or designed by Japanese animators, approaching me and enthusiastically saying, "Aren't you ... like ... that guy who writes for the Cougar?" I'll miss the occasional chat with Dominique Sasche.
This place has been like a second home for me over past few years, and I just want to thank all of the editors, reporters, columnists and photographers I've had the pleasure of knowing, especially Rivka Gwirtz, Kevin Patton, Ryan "The Ryan King" Carssow, Shane Patrick Boyle, Leonard "The Deathman" Cachola, Travis Baker, Frank Rossi, Jason Ginsburg, Russell Contreras, John Palamidy and a list too long to get into.
What do I plan on doing next? Eventually I plan on going to film school and writing my ass off. My goal is to get your attention again, but in a much bigger way. I want you to be able to someday proudly tell your children "I went to college with that guy ... and he was a jerk then too!"
I'm not going to make any predictions. To this point I've lived my life setting goals and either accomplishing them or accepting that I couldn't. I will only say that I'm proud to have my work forever in the Cougar's archives along with that of great columnists like Frank Rossi, the incredibly gorgeous Rebecca "Becky" McPhail and cartoonists like Travis Baker.
In a semester's time my name will be forgotten, and I guess that's the way it should be. If you're a pissed off, opinionated jerk and you think you can take my place (or Russell's for that matter), give it a shot. Like Bob Dylan said, "If you've got nothing, you've got nothing to lose." In my time here I strove to make you think while having some fun. Hopefully I did both.
If I can pass something onto you, let it be this: Pay attention to politics. I think Gustav Hasford said it best when he said, "You may not be interested in politics, but politics is interested in you." Don't completely trust anyone or anything and never place blind faith in any body of government.
Treat liberals, conservatives and moderates with the same degree of suspicion, and you'll be fine. Question authority as frequently as possible. I can't help but be reminded of what Frederick Douglass said to a young man who asked Mr. Douglass what he should do with his life. Douglas simply said what I say to you now, "Agitate! Agitate! Agitate!" Never engage in a battle if you're not prepared for a war, and don't fight unless your cause is worth fighting for. Don't state an idea unless you're prepared to have people second guess you and attempt to do their damnedest to prove you wrong. Serious good-byes to Joy Wilson, Sean and Mario (The Jamaican mafia) Tony, Kelsey Ruger, Travis Davis, Hakeem (rise and walk brother-man), my former "friend" Janet Le the voluptuous Viet vixen, Anastasia Scheglowski and the lovable gang of idiots of the Satellite, and last but not least Sean Graves and the guys at VA services.
Now if you kids will excuse me I'm going to Japan, eating lots of raw fish, rice and okonomiyaki, watching lots of cartoons and drinking lots of sake! This isn't good-bye kids, you'll see me again. Domo arrigatoo gozaimasu! Sayonara.
Handy is a graduating RTV major with a minor in history who'll miss you ... so write him!