Since this is my last column for the semester, I wanted to give you something that you could take out into the real world and actually use.
You've endured a semester of my columns. You ought to get something in return.
Many of us, since this is the end of the school year, will celebrate by drinking. And many of us will recklessly endanger the lives of innocent people by driving under the influence.
Drunk drivers kill 20,000 people every year. This wouldn't be a bad thing if they were all Aggies, democrats and my ex-girlfriends. Unfortunately, they're not. People who don't deserve to die are killed too, all because someone couldn't handle his liquor.
Although, come to think of it, what business do sober people have on the roads at 3 a.m. anyway?
Major alcohol producers have responded to drunk drivers by emphasizing the importance of drinking responsibly.
They have such cute slogans as "Know When to Say When" (when there's no money left in your wallet is as good a time as any), "Think When You Drink" (which defeats the purpose), and "It's 1:00 a.m. Do you know where your Designated Driver is?" (Yes, he's out looking for hookers).
People, being people, are going to continue being irresponsible by driving drunk. So why not teach them how to do it responsibly?
Therefore, I have compiled the following methods, which will be of great use to you when you are trying to navigate a motor vehicle after doing one too many sets of the 12 oz. curls.
1) The Braille Method - works well on highways that have reflectors on the road markers.
To utilize this method, simply swerve over to one side of the lane until you feel the bumps, then swerve back to the other side.
Drawbacks-if you're on a road that does not have reflectors, your car will end up in a ditch.
2) The Eyepatch Method-works for those nights when you're seeing three of everything. Let's face it, it's hard enough driving one car in one lane, let alone three cars in three lanes.
This method requires a black eyepatch, which you put over one of your eyes to eliminate multiple vision.
Drawbacks-you might start saying "Aaarrrrr! Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum," think you're on a pirate ship and sail your car into a ditch.
3.) The Three Drunks are Better than One Method - for this method, put the least intoxicated person in the driver's seat. He controls the accelerator and brake pedal.
Put the most intoxicated person next to him, in the middle of the front seat. He controls the steering wheel. Put someone else, (preferably someone you know) in the passenger seat.
His job is to say, "Oh God!" repeatedly, so as to frighten the person steering. Note: this method does not actually work, but it will seem like a really good idea at the time.
Drawbacks - This method can be difficult to use in a car with bucket seats. Also, you're three times as likely to put your car into a ditch.
4.) The Unwilling Driver Method - works great in restaurants.
The object of this method is to force one of your friends to stop drinking and drive you home. The best way to do this is to act loud and obnoxious.
Smoke in the "No-Smoking" section. Tell racist jokes loud enough for the whole restaurant to hear. Pinch your waitress on the butt. Eventually, everyone in the restaurant will be ready to kill you.
Your friend will then be obligated to drive you home so you don't get brutally killed, which is what you deserve.
Drawbacks - your friend might sneak out the bathroom window, sticking you with the tab. Or, to pay you back, he might deliberately roll your car into a ditch.
5.) The "Hello, Ocifer!" Method - works great, especially at Astros games when your friends are hurling obscenities at the players.
When someone politely asks your friend to monitor his speech, ask him if he wants a piece of you. Then, when he pulls out his badge and informs you that he is a police officer, tell him no !@#$ cop is gonna !@#$ tell you what to !@#$ do.
He will then arrest you and give you a ride downtown, where you get to spend the night with some really interesting folks.
Drawbacks - this costs a great deal in fines, court costs, lawyer fees and the like. Also, someone will have to bail you out of jail.
But it will keep your car out of the ditch. And you alive.
Pennell is a senior
English major.