The heat in the saunaesque smog-plagued place passed off as a metropolitan city is unbearable. I am certain that God is very angry with the people of Houston. Please repent and save us all from drowning in our own sweat.
If one even attempts to venture onto a scorching sidewalk for a reflexive stroll, he will soon be accosted by the horrific screeches of the careless earthworms who have ventured too far. Their plump, tubular bodies are left resembling thin raisins (a very nutritious and delightfully crispy snack for our feline friends. Careful they don't burn their tender paws).
However unpleasant a saunter along the sidewalk is, no horror compares to a brisk walk through a UH classroom. I am certain that in every classroom sits the profuse sweater who is too cheap to invest in extra tissues ... the person who continues to wipe his brow repeatedly with the same Kleenex. This sort of blatant disregard for a classmate's gag reflex is truly a very real problem on the UH campus.
The constant dripping and wicked stench of these sweat rags is disturbing to even the most focused student. There is also the risk of a banana-peel-like fall from one of these slick, misplaced tissues.
It has been rumored for years that the same problem occurs during the winter cold season. These very same offenders spend the winter months using and re-using the same snot-rags with no regard for the health or sanitation of their surroundings.
These people should also consider their own personal hygiene. Imagine all the bacteria that is thriving in that little, damp, salty ball that they call a tissue.
What force drives these offenders? Are they hardcore recyclers, out to save the earth and animals? If so, I have a solution to this vile dilemma.
May all the sweaty-tissue abusers come forward and lay their filthy little rags on the scorching sidewalks in horizontal lines. The heat will disinfect and dry the nasty little things while providing safe crossing for the adventurous earthworms.
In the process, you may please God, thus eliminating the heat wave and your sweat. At the least, you will make the sidewalks approachable for all, even if a few of our feline friends go hungry.
Also, if any of you were considering beating the heat by impersonating an astronaut and frolicking about NASA, sorry, it's been done. Try something new, or at least less publicized. Like rubbing a friend's cherry slushie through your hair.
McElligott is a junior communication major.