It occurred to me that with so many potential University of Houston fish, uhh ... freshmen, being on campus for orientation sessions, a couple of them may be inclined to pick up a copy of The Daily Cougar. That being the case, the following is my contribution to the freshman orientation process.
Future fish, you may have noticed that the bottom of page two is usually reserved for letters to the editor. You may also have noticed that many times, these letters make about as much sense as the Southern Baptist Convention.
If you as incoming fish should feel the need to someday write a letter to the editor and want to see it printed, you may find this helpful. This, by the way, goes for current students and other "concerned readers" as well.
Always preface your comments by saying you are a "concerned reader." This will make it much easier to discern your comments from that of say, a non-reader. If you say you are concerned about certain things you have read or are incensed by a columnist's remarks, you, at the very least, show that you are able to have your own opinions.
It's a good idea to get two or three or even more of your closest friends to co-sign your letter. Hell, make it a group project. Everyone loves reading a letter that is so well thought out and so intelligently phrased that it took more than one person to write. Those are always great.
Always, and I mean always, make it a point to misconstrue a columnist's remark. Never understand that not everything is what it seems and, for Shasta's sake, never learn the meaning of the words "irony" or "satire." That will only get in the way of writing a truly memorable letter. Imagine the thrill you'll get as you're walking to class and you hear people saying: "Geez, did you read this letter to The Cougar?" That's your letter they're talking about.
Contradict yourself by saying the editorial staff is both liberal and racist , paying special attention to the word "racist." This word is so powerful that if you call a writer this, he or she will bow before your obviously superior intelligence. Here's a hint, just because a columnist has an ethnic sounding name, that doesn't mean he isn't a racist. Anyone ever heard of reverse racism? The columnists here have a little game we like to call "How many times did you get called a racist this semester?" I won last term.
Also, be sure to address your comments to the wrong columnist. My name is Ed De La Garza, but I love to be mistaken for future hall-of-famer Russell Contreras. We're both Mexican and we both write, hence we must be the same person going by two different names. Oh, and be sure to call a columnist a journalist and then question his or her journalistic integrity.
Never read the disclaimer in the gray-box editorial which says all opinions expressed by a columnist or cartoonist are those of that individual alone. Why bother reading the word "Opinion" on the top of the page? Just go ahead and blame the editor for running the piece. Freedom of speech stinks, anyway.
You don't have to be an Honors student to have your letter printed. Make as many spelling and sentence-structure mistakes as possible. That's what helps your little opus stand out.
If you follow the above suggestions, you don't stand a good chance of seeing your name in the paper. You are guaranteed of it. So, happy writing, happy venting, and to future fish: happy swimming.
De La Garza is a senior political science major, for the time being. Show him your rough drafts at edelagar@bayou.uh.edu.