I can't believe I've let the entire semester go by without writing about one of my greatest passions. So, today I'm writing an editor's worst nightmare: 20-plus inches on professional wrestling, or more specifically, "Wrestling 101: In Defense of Pro-Wrestling." Consider this a crash course on the ins and outs of rasslin'. What's that? You say you don't want to learn about pro-wrestling? Well, I really don't give a damn, and that's the bottom line.
Lesson One: Glossary
I thought I'd start out by giving the uninitiated a brief glossary of wrestling terms. This section will definitely be on the test.
angle: The "plot" containing the reason for two or more wrestlers to be involved in a feud. It almost always results in an actual match.
blade: How a wrestler bleeds. To dramatize the brutality of a given match, a wrestler will "blade" himself, usually with a razorblade he has concealed somewhere on his person until he is certain he may act without being observed.
booker: The person responsible for storylines (angles), and the way a match will end. This person has a wrestler's career in his hands. Dusty Rhodes is a booker of World Championship Wrestling, which explains a lot. Hulk Hogan is a wrestler who does more booking than wrestling.
DDT: Not to be confused with wrestler DDP, this is a move in which one wraps his arm around an opponent's neck and armpit and then falls to the mat, causing the opponent's head to bounce off the mat.
face: As in "babyface." A wrestling good guy.
figure-four (the): This is Ric Flair's signature leg lock, which puts his opponent lying face up on the mat. He then picks up the legs by the ankles, putting his right leg up and over the opponent's left leg, bending the right leg under his left leg and over the opponent's left. Finally, he falls back, locking the opponent's legs in a visual "figure-four." Easy.
finish: The eventual outcome of a match. A finish can be either "clean" (no interference) or "controversial" (outside interference, i.e. run-ins, help from wrestlers not involved in a match).
get over: A wrestler's ability to appeal to the fans. If a wrestler can get over, he will receive a bigger push.
heat: The response a wrestler, promotion or pay-per-view event receives. A "face" should receive face heat. If he doesn't, he usually turns into a "heel."
heel: A wrestling bad guy. These days, popular wrestlers aren't so easily labeled either face or heel. It's all differing shades of gray.
interview: Not so much an interview as a wrestler's opportunity to speak to the camera or audience. A wrestler with charisma will excel in interviews and "get over," while those with poor interviewing skills will most likely become jobbers.
jackhammer: A move which entails lifting your opponent, feet up, in a vertical position over the ground, and then slamming him onto the mat. Only included because it's current WCW Champion Goldberg's finishing move.
job/jobber: A job is a loss. Wrestlers are told who has been picked to win the match. A wrestler's disapproval may result in a diminished future role. A jobber is a professional loser, paid to lose on a consistent basis. Can be used in a derogatory manner to belittle an opponent.
mark: Usually used to describe a naïve member of the audience who isn't privy to the inner workings of the wrestling business. A "smart" is someone who thinks he knows what's going to happen. In reality, all fans are marks, as a promotion will usually try to stay ahead by changing storylines or finishes to throw off the rumor mill.
Scorpion death drop: sometimes referred to as an inverted DDT. This is one of wrestler Sting's signature moves, in which the opponent is facing up as his head hits the mat.
sharpshooter (the): This is Bret Hart's finisher. While the opponent is face up on the mat, Hart grabs his legs and crosses them, putting one leg against his chest and the other under his arm. He then turns the opponent over and sits on his back. Sting also uses this move, calling it the "Scorpion death lock," but there's only one master.
shoot: A match in which two wrestlers are really trying to hurt each other. This is extremely rare, as most wrestlers are professional enough not to let a real feud enter into the "fake" one. A shoot usually isn't as entertaining as a "work" (99.9 percent of what you see on television).
sleeper (the): This infamous move is .... zzzzzz
stunner (the): Current World Wrestling Federation Champion and Victoria, Texas native "Stone Cold" Steve Austin's finishing move. It begins with a kick to the opponent's mid-section, followed by grabbing the back of the opponent's neck so that his face is on Austin's shoulder. Then Stone Cold just falls into a sitting position on the ground, so that his opponent's neck bounces off the shoulder. Diamond Dallas Page uses a variation of this he calls "The Diamond Cutter." This involves no kick, and in this case, the executor falls onto the mat in a lying position. The head still bounces, though.
turn: When a "face" transforms into a "heel," or vice versa. If done correctly, this will receive some serious "pop" (an immediate audience response).
WCW: One of the two big wrestling promotions. Owned by Ted Turner, this promotion possesses most of today's (and yesterday's) stars. Loaded with name value, the WCW puts on events which usually have good mid-card matches with terrible main events. It's where the big boys play, but it's also where old wrestlers go to die.
WWF: The promotion that made a star out of Hulk Hogan. Owned by Vince McMahon, this promotion does the most with what it has. While its storylines lean toward soap-opera status, its events are usually highlighted by bad lower tier matches, but terrific main events. Once falling to a consistent second place to WCW, McMahon's genius (and Steve Austin) has brought the WWF back.
Wow. My space is just about out, and I'm barely through the first lesson. What to do, what to do ... Can you say "two-part wrestling column?"
Oh, hell yeah. The crash course continues next week with "Lesson Two: History," "Lesson Three: Major players/ stars" and "Lesson Four: Why professional wrestling is so popular." This is a little more complex than I had originally intended.
I may have to extend it into the fall semester.
I know there are wrestling fans out there. I want to hear from you. Your responses will decide how many more of these I do.
De La Garza is a senior English major who doesn't want to see Jay Leno wrestle.
E-mail "Superstar Ed" at edelagar@bayou.uh.edu, or at EdDeLaGarza@worldnet.att.net.