D. Ryan Monceaux
Sports Editor
The First Annual Daily Cougar All C-USA Teams are in, and Ketric Sanford has regrettably not made any of our squads. However, many UH players have made the team for one reason or another. So, without any further delay, allow me to introduce the Daily Cougar Sports Preseason Awards.
All Big Mac Team
This team is made up of upperclassmen who weigh over 295 pounds. Only the chunkiest of hearts need apply here.
Vincent Byrd (Cincinnati-296 pounds), Deron Savage (UC-310 pounds), Don Scheithe (UC-303), Danny Moore (East Carolina-300), Wilbert Brown (Houston-305), Charles Johnson (Houston-315), Jon Suski (Louisville-302), Rick Nord (LU-300), Marcus Bell (Memphis-295), Tavares Middlebrooks (Memphis-312), TJ Frier (Memphis-305), Daleroy Stewart (Southern Miss-295). All recipients' parents are proud.
All Whopper Team
This is the team of C-USA stars who tip the scales at over 320 pounds. All heavy hitters here.
Rod Joseph (Cincinnati-335 pounds), Anthony Nobles (East Carolina-345), Josh Lovelady (Houston-320), Mark Grivna (Louisville-330), Lou Esposita (Memphis-320), O'Lester Pope (Southern Miss-354). Who would have ever thought the Pope would be the heaviest guy in conference?
Big Fish on Campus
These are the heaviest incoming freshman across C-USA, all over 300 pounds. These numbers do not lie: these guys are no minnows, but real killer whales.
Andy Weinheimer (UC-305 pounds), Joe Dixon (UC-330), Ted Forrest (UC-310), Shaun Rose (ECU-305), Jabari Beauford (Houston-310), Ariel Rodriguez (Louisville-315), Mark Tyler (Tulane-308). Dixon belongs with the big boys, being the fourth biggest in C-USA, and yet has never played a down.
All Employment Team
These gridiron boys keep those unemployment numbers down. Without them, who knows where we would all be?
Chad Plummer (UC), Riccardo Hunter (Memphis), Joe Judge (UC), Ivan Butler (ECU), Bobby Weaver (ECU), Matt Work (Army), Freddie Fisher (UH), Larry [a]Prentiss (Memphis). These are the real heroes of everyday life.
All Rainbow Team
These twelve football players have their shown true colors on and off the field.
Generally, it's not easy being Green. But Kwabena (ECU), Tory (Army), Cory (Tulane), Mike (Houston) and Ibn (Louisville) have had no problems with it at all.
Browns come from all over the conference. There is Wilbert and Gregory (Houston), Micheal (Louisville), Tony (Army), and Marvin and Roosevelt (Southern Miss).
White is the color of purity. Ryan (Memphis), Emile (Houston), and Graham (Army) are all as clean as they can be.
Holier than Thou Team
As Moses descended from the mountain, these men, too, come down raining football prowess upon the conference.
Jeremy Baptist (Memphis) seems to be the only denomination, while Zach Bishop (ECU) joins O'Lester Pope (Southern Miss) as the in-conference religious officials.
Al Sermon (Memphis) preaches the good Tiger word, while Sherrod Gideon (Southern Miss) continues to do good by all in Hattiesburg for the third straight year.
Old Testament figures reign as Micheal Josiah (Louisville), Micah Malone (Houston) and Hosea James (ECU) bless C-USA starting September 5.
All Names Team
This is the team of everyone else, whether they have peculiar names, fall into a C-USA theme or tell a story by their names.
The All-Nevada team is made up of Chris Vegas, Reno Ferri, and Joe Caesar[s] of Army, "Black" Jack Gabriel (Southern Miss) and Houston's own Chris Gamble.
The All-Royalty Team is represented by Josh Earle (Memphis), Kevin Dukes (Tulane), Zach Bishop (ECU), Shaun King (Tulane), and JJ [Mc]Queen (ECU).
Ken Biggs tells all about his weight, 290 pounds, while TJ Light (Houston) fibs after getting off the scales at 271.
The guy who has the most fun in the conference is without a doubt Army's Jim Bean. He really knows how to throw a party.
Other names of note in C-USA include Bo Clift[notes] of Army and Imani [not to be confused with Armani] Dupree (Army). Switch two letters in the name of Nate Hice (UC), and you must not like the better things in life.