Recently, digital cable television came to my home. Now, rather than having about 50 channels of nothing to watch, we have closer to 100. Granted, that's not the only benefit this high-tech system holds. You can also scroll through and see what's on every channel without actually channel surfing - and there are a number of channels that only play music. No picture, just your favorite relaxing hits.
The reason I'm telling you all this is that, with this exciting new technology at my fingertips (I love new technology when it includes a super-cool remote control), I no longer have to worry about what's on, say, the gardening channel. Now I can devote my time to network TV, which is my duty as an American citizen anyway.
However, most network programming is lamentably depressing and just plain bad, which leads me to pay attention only to the commercials. And what a treasure-trove of entertainment they are!
But, as usual, I'm not stopping with the mere entertainment value of those advertising gems. No, in my usual custom of over-analysis, I'm going to present deconstructions of a couple of the more popular ads running across your TV screens.
First, there's the one for Colgate Total, a fine toothpaste. The premise of the commercial is that a man brushes his teeth in the morning with Total, which is such a vigilant dentifrice that his teeth continue brushing themselves all day long.
This commercial is a charming representation of Colgate Total's cleaning power. But the question it raises in my mind is: Why don't the people who are around the man all day notice the sound of his teeth brushing?
In fact, of his co-workers and fellow citizens, only his wife (who is no doubt accustomed to his dental habits) notices the sound, and she reacts with the stock "Oh, John's teeth are at it again!" look.
Now let's consider this from a real-world angle. If my teeth audibly brushed themselves all day, I'd be mortified. In class, I would no doubt distract those sitting near me. Not only that, but I would always be afraid that some hygiene freak was following me.
Doomed to walk in fear of the hygienic dental stalker, I would probably join a support group of other Colgate users. Outcasts of society, damned by our own cleanliness, we would be relegated to a far-off ranch in Colorado where our perpetual brushing would harm no one.
Despite that risk, I recently purchased a tube of Colgate Total (just a trial size, because I'm not ready to bow out of civilized society yet) and used it one morning.
Contrary to the advertisement's claim, I was alternately relieved and disappointed to find that I couldn't hear my teeth brushing during the day - not even if I went into a quiet room alone and listened very carefully.
No, not even a faint swish of phantom bristles when I smiled at all the people I encountered, an action which unnerved them. Just try it if you don't believe me.
Then there's the Eggo waffle ad in which a youngster eats an Eggo in the morning and goes about his business. The tot plays in the snow, otherwise frolics and finally boards the school bus. But the entire time (and this is the premise of the ad), he has an Eggo floating above his head.
How cute! And how confusing! Recently, I viewed this ad with my grandmother.
"Look," I said, "that kid has a waffle on his head!"
Quoth she: "No, that's a halo."
"No!" I countered. "It's a waffle! It's an Eggo waffle."
"Oh, yeah, I guess it is."
Imagine the confusion when the child enters the school building:
Teacher No. 1: "That John. His mother thinks he's such a saint that she's bought him a halo."
Teacher No. 2: "You're batty, Diane. That's a waffle on his head."
Teacher No. 1: "Oh yeah, like you would know, Miss I-Got-My-Teaching-Certificate-at-a-Community-College."
Teacher No. 2: "Hey! You wanna take this outside?"
As fisticuffs erupt in the faculty lounge, I must note that, in my lifetime, I've never knowingly had an Eggo waffle (or any breakfast food) float above my head.
But, as my grandmother said, "That's probably because you never took the bus to school." If only the advertisements were so truthful.
Find junior journalism major Parsons by listening for the sound of brushing teeth.