Staff Editorial

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Editorial Cartoon

Marcus Cardenas

Cardenas' column will not appear today. In its place is an open letter from Candice the Cow.

Dear humans,

My name is Candice. I am a cow, and I am writing about a group of people whose lifestyle has concerned me for a long time: vegetarians. Now, if you'rre thinking I love these people, you couldn't be more wrong. I find these people and their eating habits irresponsible, discriminatory, insulting and extremely ungrateful.

Now I understand that some religions forbid the eating of meat, and that's fine. Who am I to say your belief system is less acceptable than others? If it's OK with you, then it's OK with me. I even know of one religion that considers us cows as a sacred, precious animal. I kind of like that one.

But back to the beef. Believe me, folks, I am jealous of your teeth. Mine are designed for grass-munching, but if I had sharp, pointy canines like y'alll -- teeth designed for tearing flesh -- I don't think I could resist taking a big ol' 16-ounce bite out of one of my own.

I always hear that tiresome line about not eating anything that once had a face on it. They say they'd rather eat a carrot or something that was raised to be eaten. Well, could some of those same people explain why we cows taste so good (so I've heard)?

Then there's the righteous, health-conscious people who run around panting that red meat's no good for you, red meat'll give you cancer, you'll get three-foot-long worms in your system. How dare they accuse me of giving you diseases! If the cooks don't wash their hands, that's not my fault.

Only American humans would consider what to eat a problem. They'll say, "You need to have fat. That's too high in fat. This has preservatives, that has additives." 

As a cow, I don't know what right I have to question you much-evolved bipeds, but try complaining about that in Somalia. Whether it's a Twinkie, a pork chop or a carrot, you humans should be glad that you have something to eat at all (soyburgers and Taco Bell products, which aren't real food, notwithstanding).

My life is simple. I was raised to be eaten, and I can accept that. I graze all day for you, holding up my end of the food chain, and tofu is the thanks I get?

Look, folks -- I am not a predator. I am not fast or athletic. In fact, I am probably nature's best definition of prey. I'm slow, big, stupid and tasty. I won't tow a cart, plow a field or drive some carriage. That's not why I'm here. I feed to feed.

I will close with a nugget of wisdom from my friend Marcus: "I'll bet there ain't a starving man in the world who's a vegetarian."

Yours next to a baked potato with everything on it,

Candice