'Party hearty ... fear
nothing'
Xavier Trevino
I live my life in a perpetual state of
fear. The Man is after me. My editor in chief, Brandon Moeller, is also
hunted down by The Man. The nihilistic presence of The Man is but one of
the many things that keeps me in a constant state of cat-like readiness.
Did you know that there are microscopic
bugs that live in your bed sheets? These bugs also chew away at your flesh
while you sleep. How horrific is that?
My own little brother seeks to overthrow
my rule as the eldest child of the Trevino clan. He seeks my legacy which,
when the old gods return, will be the throne to Atzlan.
The only reason I am here in college is
because of fear. I'm afraid that if I do not get a degree I'll be on the
street dancing with my pants down for dollars and sifting through the second
hand bin at the local church. Then I'll have to make the ever critical
decision of which shirt to take: "Where's the Beef?" or a shirt from D.A.R.E.
I work out constantly to maintain my Adonis-like
physique so that when 20 armed ninjas sent by my little brother to eliminate
me emerge from the shadows, I can take them out.
I find myself glued to Animal Planet so
that in the rare case a 500-pound silverback gorilla charges at me, I'll
know that he's a poor swimmer and I'll be safe in the deep end of the pool.
But what about the hippos? Ack! Even as I sit now in my hidden cave, from
which my secret police work to ensure my security, I see the dissension
among them.
I fear that Niles, my chief of security,
is no longer loyal and has sold out to my little brother and his faction
of the family. I will have no choice but to kill him and his cat, Mr. Nibbles,
who I think is the true Machiavellian of the rising coup. I fear Mr. Nibbles
is only using my brother to achieve his own ends of a cat-dominated world.
I also recently heard that there is a "New"
Mexico in the United States. Obviously this is some type of militant organization
bent on overthrowing Taco Bells and Taco Cabanas worldwide. They might
prove useful allies in the war against my brother.
There is much to fear, my friends. The
truth of the matter is sometimes we let our fears and paranoias get the
better of us. You should never let this happen. When you let fear or excessive
caution stop you from living your life, something is definitely wrong.
I read a story about a guy who wouldn't
leave his house because of his acute case of agoraphobia, fear of wide
open spaces.
"Can Johnny come out and play?"
"No, I'm sorry, he can't come out ... ever."
I wonder if he could use those horse blinders?
I digress. This holiday season is going
to be a great time for everyone. There will be plenty of shopping, singing,
and eggnog consumption. Have a good time and don't let fear stop you from
exercising your God-given right to live. Your boss is not going to fire
you for coming in late because you were out late the night before.
Great relationships are hard to come by,
so don't let fear of commitment lead you into a big mistake. The list goes
on and on. Have fun, be responsible, and give caution a running powerbomb
from the top of the steel cage.
