Opinion

Squirrelly conspiracy theory

Richard Lutz
Opinion Columnist

The weather this weekend was truly beautiful. Blue skies, fluffy clouds, only one or two sudden showers. I found myself emerging from my room like a groundhog from a rusty refrigerator, blinking in the light and taking deep breaths of air so fresh you could almost pretend itis not full of petroleum. And of course, there they were ? squirrels, skittering up the trees in a particularly sinister manner.

But wait! These squirrels were wearing little round hats and chanting in Hebrew! Curious, I took a firm grip on my pants and went over to ask them about it.

It turns out that last Sunday was International Be A Jew Day, at least as far as the rodent world is concerned. They told me about it.

The squirrels were unusually helpful. They gave lectures on proper kosher cooking, cabala and the ultimate magical powers contained within matzo-ball soup. Then things got strange.

"Hello," said a particularly thin squirrel. "I control the media."

I found this curious, because while they do give out Telecom stock options for free at most bar mitzvahs, most American media are strictly under the control of the Illuminati. But Mr. Squirrel went on to explain that Jews not only run the show in Hollywood and at banks, but in the Communist Party as well. Then one of his buddies told me about how Jews control the U.S. government.

"You see," she said, "if the United States attack Iraq, then it will be good for Israel."

"But last time that happened, Iraq shot missiles at Israel without provocation and killed dozens of people," I said.

"But itis good for them anyway," the squirrel retorted. "And if the United States does something that helps Israel, it must be because of the über-powerful Jewish Lobby. Besides, the government is full of Christians."

"Of course," I said.

She then told me, "Bushis fundamentalist Christians believe that if thereis a war in the Middle East involving Israel, then Jesus will come back and the battle of Armageddon will happen. They want the end of days."

She went on to explain that the current war against Iraq is part of a diabolical plan to put the entire region under Israeli control and create a Jewish state stretching from the Euphrates River to the Nile River, so Jews and Christians can frolic happily over the bodies of dead Arab Muslims. She also backed up her story with a quote by Ku Klux Klan leader David Duke: "Radical Jewish supremacists in Israel launched this drive for war."

It reminds me of the late 1930s, when America first blamed the Jews for trying to push the United States into an unnecessary war against Germany.

Other than this chat with our fuzzy friends, I havenit heard this conspiracy theory circulating on campus.

As I turned to go, the squirrel had one last piece of information: "I hear that the Jews also control the government of … Israel!" she said. We laughed and laughed, because that one is almost true.

Lutz, a senior English and German major, can be reached at drahcir_j@hotmail.com.