Opinion

Burgers and Affleck's hairpiece

Homer Starkey
Opinion Columnist

I have a subscription to Maxim magazine. There, I said it.

I bought a two-year subscription five years ago and it will not go away. Itis like the tattoo you got on Spring Break after countless Coronas and 40 tequila shots. 

I know what youire saying. Just call and tell them to stop sending it. I finally did, because nothing says "pervert in pupa stage" like a magazine on your coffee table known for its photos of women strategically covering their chests.

To cleanse my soul, I went to the bookstore to find a new magazine to subscribe to. Yes, I was in search of a magazine I didnit have to hide under the couch when my relatives dropped by on a surprise Sunday visit.

The bookstore was full of magazines and, not surprisingly, many of them were Maxim clones. I perused the fashion section, the art and music section and the look-around-before-I-pick-up-this-girly-mag section. Three guys were in this last area, all of whom looked as if they didnit have the nerve to extend their arms to the back slot where the Playboys were.

I gathered up a few different periodicals and thumbed through them. I looked through a poetry magazine and read the poem "How Thoreau Lived," which was about, well, how Thoreau lived. Iim a sucker for the subliminal, but that one was definitely not for me.

I flipped the pages of an art magazine and realized I am a perfectly emotionally stable adult because I have yet to make a sculpture out of chicken poop. I almost decided to get this one, but the subscription rate is $72 ­ a little pricey for this poor college student.

Iim ashamed to say I didnit even open the National Geographic. I wasnit even tempted by the map of the West Indies inside. And some people call me college educated …

Nothing captured my interest. Not even the timeless publications like Rolling Stone and Dog Fancy. Maybe itis because Avril Lavigne was on the front of one. I forget who graced Rolling Stoneis cover.

I walked out of the bookstore devastated, as most people do, but for my own personal reasons of indecision. Why couldnit I find that perfect lavatory companion?

Then I got to thinking. Is Maxim that bad? It has so much useful information in it, like how to save money, how to build a tree house, how to cook a Boca burger ­ none of which I have ever been able to do with much success.

So, Iive decided to embrace my arrested development. Iim taking comfort in the fact that there are millions of men just like me whose goal for the month is to learn how to make eight different Irish libations just in time for St. Paddyis day. 

All I am saying is this: I would never have known Ben Affleck wears a hairpiece had I not scanned page 52 this month. Iill take that info over a Time magazine quote any day.

Starkey, a post-baccalaureate student, can be reached at hstarkey@hotmail.com.