Opinion

And they're off: TV sweeps

Alex Wukman
Opinion Columnist

Well, it's official; the United States is at war. The problem is that Iraqi people are dying and all these beautiful explosions are going to get clobbered in the ratings.

Now before the critics start saying that war is a time-honored institution that dates back to the beginning of humanity and civilization, or that war is nothing but an excuse to sell cars and sodas (which denigrates and undercuts all the people who have died throughout all the wars in history), they first have to admit this war is not only staged, but stage managed.

If anyone has any doubts, all they need to do is look at CNN's coverage Wednesday: The whole thing was like a Superbowl pre-game show, complete with analysts giving the differing strengths and weaknesses of the U.S. special teams -- oops, I mean Special Forces.

If that's not enough proof that this war will be nothing but a cable mini-series taken to the ultimate level -- truthfully it should be called "Extreme Band of Brothers" -- then all a person needs to do is look at the start time of the war, or, as it is more accurately called, kickoff. It started at 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time -- right in the middle of prime time.

I don't mean to say that the Bush administration has gotten everything right so far; they have seriously dropped the ball a couple of times. The first and most obvious mistake was starting the war too early for the West Coast. It came out to be something like 5 p.m. PST, which meant that the war lost all its West Coast viewers. At that time of day, everybody is driving home from work where they slave away to pay for the $81 billion special effects. Bush's spin-doctors should have staggered the starting times like the Cartoon Network does. That way the coasts would have gotten the war at 8 p.m., and everyone else would have gotten it at 7 p.m.

Bush's biggest mistake is that he scheduled this thing to start in March, right in the middle of NCAA playoffs. What type of idiot starts a war in the middle of March Madness? Not only is it illogical -- who wants to watch sorties over Baghdad when they can watch college hoops? -- it's asinine, since everybody knows that wars should be held off until April.

After all, April is sweeps month -- the time when networks determine how much they can charge advertisers -- which makes April the biggest month in television programming.

What better time for the biggest television special than during the biggest month in television?

Wukman, a junior English major can be reached at alex_wukman@hotmail.com.