Opinion

New regime answers prayers

Matthew Caster
Opinion Columnist

Last week, I wrote my thoughts about the present state of the war in Iraq and surprisingly few of you responded negatively to my idea of turning large portions of the "fertile crescent" into a radioactive glaze. This week, itis time to take the next step: ruthlessly attacking barbarianism everywhere it is found.

Hence, I have founded my own organization to answer the anti-American establishment in this nation and around the world. Hussein has his "Fedayeen Saddam." Now Caster has the "Fedayeen Dubya." The time has come to unite around our commander-in-chief so we can hurry up and win this war. The Fedayeen Dubya, a civilian militia, intends to do precisely that.

Domestically, the Fedayeen Dubya will ruthlessly smite all anti-American protesters whose idea of protesting is interfering with the lives of others. Iim not talking about ordinary, run-of-the-mill peace protesters who gather in designated areas, hold signs decrying the war (albeit for really stupid reasons) and practice their right to assemble in accordance with their constitutional rights. No, Iim talking about the communist, peacenik, anti-American protesters who are trying to sabotage military bases, disrupt commercial centers and snarl traffic by lying in the streets.

These people are anarchists. A friend of mine in San Francisco sat in traffic for two hours because some people were lying in the street and refused to move. They show no respect for rights of others, no sense of decency, and not a single one of them has an unkind word to say about Saddam, Kim Jung II or any of the other monsters in the world today. Much like the terrorists, they try to forever alter our way of life to their skewed vision of utopia.

The Fedayeen Dubya will take care of these people. Weire not going to kill them, as that would be wrong since, even though they donit act like it, they are actually our fellow Americans for the most part. Instead, weire going to smoke them out of their caves and eliminate both their desire and capability to reproduce. Sterilization is the most effective way to relieve all that pent-up tension these people must have to be doing what theyire doing. I think to have these people reproduce is a bad idea anyway.

Fedayeen Dubya also has an international wing, which is responsible for hunting down suicide bombers and granting their wish a little early. We will infiltrate every Muslim nation in the world, and once there, our members will be permitted to shoot anyone who looks like a suicide bomber. The cool thing about this part of the world is that, for the most part, everybody looks like a suicide bomber. Therefore, a change in dress code is needed.

Seven days a week, 24 hours a day, these people will be forced to wear skin-tight translucent clothing from head to toe with the word "innocent" written across the front and back of the top portion of this outfit. Thus, as long as these people are not carrying any sort of weapon, including rocks, bottles or other projectiles, and as long as there are no unsightly bulges under their skin-tight clothes (like a bomb), we wonit shoot them. But what about the Islamic customs, you say? Sorry … itis time to start dressing like itis the 21^st century anyway.

Personally, Iid say itis about time the Fedayeen Dubya got rolling along. All the ungrateful people in the world today who donit seem to realize that itis often the American military that keeps their sorry little countries from being overrun by barbarians need to realize that American dollars grease the wheels of almost 50 percent of the worldis commerce. Without our foreign aid and oil dollars, most of these Middle Eastern countries wouldnit be able to afford to build schools that teach anti-Americanism.

I know it wonit happen in my lifetime, but someday the world will know what an enormous sacrifice Americais people have made to make the world a better place.

God bless our soldiers and America.

Caster, a senior petroleum engineering major, can be reached at patrioticcatmaster@yahoo.com