Opinion

Snacks, cable TV enlighten

Homer Starkey
Opinion Columnist

Iim sitting on the couch, playing the GameCube, getting fatter by the minute from eating gummy bears and potato chips. Iive come to the conclusion that if Diet Dr Pepper didnit taste the same as regular Dr Pepper, Iid be a side-show oddity by this point.

Iim singing an old Green Day song thatis stuck in my head: "Iive got no motivation …" When I get frustrated enough to switch off the idiot box I ponder the question that has riddled people in their 20s since the age of Socrates.

Iive tried all the typical things one does to find out how to become more ambitious. Iive placed myself among the young and successful, hoping to learn through example. Ultimately, I felt the uniformed Eddie Bauer-wearing crowd was never to be content with their Pottery Barn furniture and matching Labrador retrievers.

Having tried that, I started dating a high-maintenance girl. Constant demands for love and attention via credit card purchases would surely coax me into going for that six-figure salary, right? Nope. I learned nothing, except to act interested when she talked in detail about her trip to the health spa and to compliment her new nose, which went so well with the Betsy Johnson heels. 

How about getting married and starting a family? That would surely fuel the oli flame to the backside. I know a guy who lives with a wife and two teenage girls. The notion of a triple threat at that time of the month is enough to make me start playing Risk with the chess club every Friday and Saturday night to ensure a life of celibacy.

I turn the television back on and start watching a self-improvement infomercial. A goateed giant with teeth that could gnaw through solid granite tells me I can be on my way to success in just 30 days. Having nothing to lose and, more importantly, being intoxicated, I decide to buy what he is selling.

I figure I can listen to his CDs in my car on my way to school because anything is better than listening to Sam Malone and Maria Todd laugh at their own jokes at nine in the morning. Before I know it, I am totally motivated and on my way to champagne wishes and caviar dreams.

Now, I know what youire probably saying: I canit stand those motivational CDs; I tune them out each time I hear them; Iim not wasting my money on something I will just re-gift when Christmas comes around.

What would you say if I told you I felt the same only a week ago? Itis true. But Iive discovered an effective way to listen to self-improvement speeches. Furthermore, I am willing to share my knowledge with you, because not only do I truly care for each and every one of my readers, I need money for rent.

For only $39.95 (cash) you can get my audio cassette, "How to Listen to Self-Help CDs." It contains 15 minutes packed with the information you need to open your heart, mind and most of all, ears to guys like Tony Robbins as they ramble on incessantly about how you can change your world for the better. 

And Iim totally flexible, unlike those other guys. If you donit have $39.95, a pound of gummy bears will do.

Starkey, a post-baccalaureate student, can be reached at hstarkey@hotmail.com.