Sports

A brief history of UH sports ... almost

Cougar Pause

Keenan Singleton

By the time you read this, the anonymous death threats and blacklisting will have already begun. But it is the truth, and the truth must be heard. 

For years, the athletic department at UH has placed the true origins and current secrets of its department in a clandestine box under the 47-yard line at Robertson Stadium. Last week, I literally dug up its contents. And this exclusive timeline is the real, make-believe, true-life, satirized, god-honest, devil-may-care truth about the history of UH athletics.

1945 -- In an effort to bankroll a burgeoning major athletics program, the University courts the services of two soft-drink giants, Shasta and Coca-Cola, for naming rights of the schoolis mascot. Shasta wins. The UH mascot is called "Fizzini Shasta" and is caricaturized as an overflowing soda can. It eventually goes flat. Coca-Cola gets the last laugh as it later monopolizes the Universityis soft-drink market.

1946 -- Itis the first year of intercollegiate sports at UH. The football team loses the inaugural game 13-7 to Southwest Louisiana. Dana Dimel is alleged to have called offensive plays. The menis basketball team beats North Texas 62-35 in first-ever game. Phi Laya Upa paves the way for early-1980s sensation Phi Slama Jama.

1956 -- The golf team wins its first national championship with a little mystical help from Bagger Vance. 

1960 -- UH swimmer Carin Cone becomes the first UH athlete to grace the cover of Sports Illustrated. The "Swimsuit Edition" becomes an annual event.

1962 -- Bill Yeoman begins his 25-year tenure at UH. Thanks, coach.

1968 -- UH wins the "Game of the Century" against No. 1 California-Los Angeles in the Astrodome. Accordingly, the next century begins.

1969 -- UH Golf wins its ninth national title. Plus, the number "69" just never seems to get old.

1972 -- The implementation of Title IX. Male groans turn to cheers when they see the volleyball teamis shorts.

1976 -- UH joins the Southwest Conference. Football takes the conference crown. Texas, Texas A&M and the rest have nowhere to hide anymore.

1979 -- The football team edges Nebraska 17-14 in the Cotton Bowl. The Houston Post headline reads: Shasta drowns Big Red.

1980 -- The Daily Cougaris most talented sports writer is born. His name? Jan Gajewski. (thought I was going to say me?)

1983 -- God answers North Carolina Stateis prayer at the buzzer, beating Phi Slama Jama 54-52. Itis official: God is a chick.

1985 -- The golf team wins its 16th national championship. Enough already. No, no, Iim kidding.

1986 -- Guy V. Lewis retires with 592 wins, making him the career leader in that category. He should be in the Hall of Fame by 1991, his first year of eligibility.

1989 -- Andre Ware wins the Heisman Trophy. UT sucks.

1991 -- Guy V. doesnit make it into the Hall. He should be in next year.

1995 -- UH (surprise, surprise) beats Rice, 18-17, in the final SWC football game. Rice gets another multi-million dollar grant to ease the pain.

1996 -- UH joins Conference USA. Fans learn that there is, in fact, an "East Carolina."

1998 -- Clyde Drexler is named the Universityis fifth menis basketball coach. Please, donit glide with Clyde.

1999 -- The womenis softball program is created with Kyla Holas as its first coach. Sheis cool with me. Bill Walton becomes the all-time winningest volleyball coach in school history. He still has to hear jokes about that other Bill Walton.

2000 -- Diver Yulia Pakhalina wins a national championship. Get used to this.

2002 -- McDonaldis restaurant is still located across the street on Cullen. Athletics department reportedly $10.8 million in debt. I donit know about you, but Iim looking at the Hamburglar.

2003 -- Guy V. is still not in the Hall of Fame. The Hall sucks.

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