Opinion

Evil squirrels pose dilemmas

Richard Lutz
Opinion Columnist

The other day, I was conducting negotiations with the squirrels (a US-brokered Cheetos-for-peace arrangement is nearing its final stages), when conversation moved to the once-and-future war on Iraq. They mentioned that they support the "No blood for oil" platform, because money for oil makes more sense.

For no apparent reason, I told them a story: Once upon a time, there was a large gray squirrel named Madman Hussquirrel. He lived in a tree gave off useful sap. But he was not alone in the tree: he shared it with many birds, as well as other squirrels.

Hussquirrel was not nice. In fact, he decided that he didnit like the blue jays, so he made peace with the red squirrels in the next tree so they would leave him alone while he killed some blue jays. Finally, the jays were living only in the topmost branches of the tree, where it was cold and windy. Then he went to war on his neighbors. Many squirrels lost their nuts (and lives) in the terrible wars that followed. Finally, the dingoes came by and stopped him by eating some of his squirrel soldiers.

The thing is, Hussquirrel was in the habit of using poison leaves to kill his enemies. This is bad, so the dingoes told everybody not to buy his sap, because he would use the money to stockpile poison. The only sap-selling would be in exchange for nuts to feed the other squirrels in his tree. But Hussquirrel sold the nuts, instead of feeding his followers, and used the money for himself. He also blamed his followersi hunger on the dingoes.

Meanwhile, when the war ended, the blue jays got loud again! So Hussquirrel tried to kill them again, but the dingoes made him stop, and now they walk by the tree every day in an attempt to prevent any more killing. Every time the dingoes walk by, he throws hard, inedible nuts at them.

The question is, what should the dingoes do? Some chipmunks have been allowed into the tree-branches to look for poison leaves. But whether or not they find any, does Hussquirrel really deserve to lead? The dingoes want to have Hussquirrel thrown out of the tree, but the problem is they may have to eat a few squirrels in the process.

"So tell me," I asked. "Do you think the death and suffering caused by Hussquirrel is worse than that which could be caused by the dingoes when they drive him away?"

The squirrels said: "Dingoes shouldnit kill squirrels. They should mind their own business."

I said: "Thatis not the question."

They said: "No blood for sap!" This meant that the discussion was over.

I admit that more people have been to Iraq than I have, so I donit know everything. 

Lutz, a senior English and German major, can be reached at drahcir_j@hotmail.com.