Opinion
 

Keep your babies out of my face

Keenan Singleton

Reason No. 117 why I love, love love condoms: According to a story from the South Florida Sun-Sentinel, a North Miami kindergartner -- seemingly sensing that his classmate was lacking roughage in his diet -- sprinkled a hash, er, dash of marijuana on his lasagna while the two sat in the cafeteria eating lunch. 

That's one roach some people wouldn't mind finding in their food. 

A cafeteria worker noticed the five-year-old's actions and quickly reefered the boys to the principal's office where the two boys were let go without repercussions.

Luckily, the half-baked lasagna was not eaten.

Ed Griffith, a spokesman for the Miami-Dade State Attorney's office says the boy will not be thrown in the joint.

Reason No. 59 why I love, love love birth control pills: The Associated Press reports that a 10-year-old boy may or may not have accidentally killed a postal worker while he was playing with a gun last summer. 

The boy was aiming at a tree when he hit the late postal worker (are there any other kind?) with a single shot. 

His mother, a convicted felon, has been charged with possessing a firearm and will likely bear the brunt of the blame. Bet she wishes that she had a "headache" that magical night 11 years ago. 

What's going with kids these days? Is it video games? Is it the dearth of quality Saturday morning television programming?

Maybe they're just really, really angry at having to say "under God" while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance, as Michael Newdow claimed in his case with the U.S. Supreme Court.

But that would mean that this is strictly an American issue. 

Reason No. 503 why I love, love love vasectomies: A 16-year-old Palestinian with intentions of using a suicide bomb to cease his life and the lives of a few Israelis was seized as he attempted to meander his way through a busy West Bank checkpoint. 

His brother claims the boy has the "the intelligence of a 12 year old." 

Exactly. Twelve-year-old minds make 12 times the mistakes. 

What should we do with kids? Clear out a continent, Lord of the Flies-style, and not let them back into society until well after puberty? Maybe that's too radical, but we can start at the source.

According to the Encyclopaedia Britannica 2003 Almanac, the average childbearing American woman will have two kids (1999 statistics). 

Stop. Kids are killing us, getting us high, sapping our money, making us (women, at least) fat and harming the environment (with disposable diapers). Sure, they're cute and yes, I'll concede they are the future, but something must be done. 

Maybe kids aren't too bad. Two of them helped throw one of America's baddest boys, r&b singer Bobby Brown, into bondage. The reason? Brown failed to pay more than $60,000 in child support. 

Singleton, a columnist for The Daily Cougar, 
can be reached at k_singleton@yahoo.com.