Opinion
 

Steer clear of malls this season

Paul Saleeba
Opinion Columnist

I cannot go shopping from the Thanksgiving until New Year's Day. Even food shopping is out of the question, as all retail outlets have one thing in common this holiday season: the holiday music.

Every year, the same uninspired, insipid tunes assault my mind via tiny, cheap speakers used for announcing the presence of lost children and blue-light specials. They're all the same endless remixes of "Jingle Bells" and "Santa Claus is Coming to Town" that were amusing and clever five years ago.

Now they constitute mental assault. I kid you not. I would sue for a mental health hazard if they played this crap at my workplace. Even the modern hip-hop versions are weak and uninspired. They make my stomach turn and my ears bleed.

And that's not all. I can't even go to the mall anymore without finding my favorite loafing spots filled with breeders taking their offspring to see a faux fairy tale in action, only to instill in them the dreams that will make them better consumers -- and a better bottom line this season.

Screaming, crying kids burden far-too-young parents, while unattended children chicken out of bets to humiliate a man in a Santa suit who's already scraping bottom earning minimum wage. Even now I can see an overburdened mother, three paychecks' worth of gifts piled at her feet, searching through her diaper bag because leaving the line would mean giving up a chance for her child to sit on Santa's lap. I can just smell that freshly soiled diaper.

Malls never have anything good anyway. They're all mess and disappointment, bad food and even worse company. Your new friends this season are eBay, Amazon.com, NewEgg and Price Watch -- none of which have canned tinny music and announcements like "Would Mr. Whoever please collect his child from wherever" interrupting the tracks long enough for me to start noticing the music again.

Don't get your kids the hot toys this season. Get them something custom-made, like the 4-foot stainless steel <I>Harry Potter<P> sword I'm getting my cousin. His parents will probably kill me with it, but that's how it goes -- he'll love it, just like he'll love the stack of games his parents will grow to loathe for inspiring new acts of cultish stupidity.

Yeah, I love my little cousins. The sword will be the coolest gift this Christmas. And I didn't have to stalk through the temple of consumerism, with my mind hammered by the banality of the holiday. It arrived from the swordsmith last week in a nondescript brown package that will be promptly wrapped. And it was nicely priced, too. No holiday markup or markdown for me, thank you very much.

Consumerism season is in effect. But if you're like me and hate crowds, bad music and screaming spoiled children, take it online and have a cup of hot whatever-makes-you-happy. As for the rest of you: Merry Christmas, suckers.

Saleeba, a junior communication major,
can be reached at marskitt3n@hotmail.com.