Arts & Entertainment
 

Boredom still rules February box office

'Mystic River' rises, 'LOTR' seems ready to end its long reign as box office king

Box office report

John Seaborn Gray

Well, it's another boring winter weekend at the box office, and there doesn't even seem to be anything good on TV.

At 10th place this week, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King seems ready to end its run in the top 10. Say it ain't so. Don't you kind of wish there was a fourth one, just so you could look forward to it? Or do you have, oh, what are they called -- lives? 

In ninth place was The Butterfly Effect, in which Ashton Kutcher punks the space-time continuum. One more serious movie, and he might land a guest spot on Inside the Actor's Studio. Wouldn't it be great to see host and pompous gasbag James Lipton ask him pointed, allegorical questions about Dude, Where's My Car?

The new Meg Ryan vehicle Against the Ropes made a paltry debut in eighth place. This movie was supposed to come out several months ago, but the release was delayed, possibly when the studio realized it didn't have a target audience. Boxing fans don't want to see Ryan, and Ryan fans don't want to see boxing. It's as simple as that. Too bad countless overpaid advertising execs never realized it. 

Moving up two spaces from last week, Mystic River appears to be making an incomprehensible comeback. There is only one explanation, of course: millions of alien moviegoers who come from a galaxy where movies are supposed to completely turn on themselves in the final act. Stupid aliens. 

Barbershop 2: Back in Business slipped to sixth place, which is pretty good for a movie about cutting hair. Maybe they should have thrown in a helicopter chase or two.

Mercilessly hyped Eurotrip disappointed by debuting at fifth place, despite an impressive blitz of television ads featuring American teenager stereotypes interacting with a panorama of greasy and/or psychotic European stereotypes. What better way to celebrate Black History Month then with the release of a movie that celebrates and indulges various prejudices? Kind of makes you tear up a little, doesn't it? 

Political comedy Welcome to Mooseport made a surprisingly strong debut in fourth place, partly because of Ray Romano's popularity, and partly because of the title. Come on, it's got the word Mooseport in it. Doesn't that make you think of great big tanker ships with great big antlers, steaming around the harbor? If it didn't before, it will now. You're welcome. 

Miracle fell a spot to third place this week, despite Disney's purchase of The Muppets. Seriously. Now we can look forward to more endless straight-to-video quick-cash-in movies featuring characters you've loved since your youth debasing themselves for their new corporate masters. The difference this time: they're made of felt. Oh happy day.

As a "serious investigative journalist," it's hard to type the next sentence without tripping the ol' gag reflex, but here it goes: Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen was the second most popular movie in the country. Eucch. Where's the mouthwash? 

Finally, last week's No. 1 and still reigning champ: 50 First Dates, featuring the Sandler/Barrymore juggernaut. For those of you who doubted these two had true talent, you're wrong; they both convincingly portray regular people despite being two of the most well-paid actors in Hollywood. Kind of like how politicians pretend to be real people, even though it's obvious they aren't. 

That was a political joke. It's an election year. Get used to it.

Gray writes a weekly box office report. 
He can be reached via dcshobiz@mail.uh.edu.