Student Publications
University of Houston
151C Communications Bldg
Houston, TX 77204-4015
713.743.5350

©1991-2007
Student Publications,
All rights reserved.

Last modified:

Contact:
ktruitt@uh.edu

Life & Arts

'Paperboy' can make reader out of anyone

My 8 Bits

Jason Poland

It's Monday morning. You sit down at the breakfast table ready to enjoy a steamy bowl of oatmeal when suddenly a newspaper crashes through your window.

"Honey, I thought we canceled our subscription."

"We did, but that kid keeps throwing them anyway."

"Well, I guess I can try to hit him on my way to work."

"And I'll run after him with a butcher knife tomorrow morning."

In Paperboy, it's your job to deliver The Daily Sun to the citizens of suburbia, whether they want it or not. This paperboy takes a certain pride in his job that only a mob boss could appreciate.

He starts with a handful of optimistic subscribers and a sack full of papers. As long as he continues to make consistent deliveries, the customers continue to subscribe. But what does it take to get the other neighbors to subscribe? Pelting their houses with newspapers will give them the idea. Points are actually rewarded for vandalizing the homes of non-subscribers. Eventually, they give in and start paying for the papers they were getting for free. What kind of paper is The Daily Sun if the paperboy has to bully customers into subscribing? 

The news reporting certainly isn't pulling in new readers. That he delivered the paper at all makes the front page. 

"Amazing paperboy delivers!" This should be a given since you just witnessed him fling the paper through the garage door window. What's really amazing about this paperboy is that nobody has pressed charges against him. The Daily Sun must've paid off the police chief, so it's up to the neighborhood to fight back against this yellow journalism.

Housewives, break dancers, and even lawn jockeys unite to stop the bicycling menace. 

As he pedals down the sidewalk at top speed, you set your lawnmower on auto-pilot hoping to send him crashing to the ground. He quickly launches a newspaper and the mower stops dead in its tracks. To add insult to injury, he smacks your dog with another one. Is there no justice in this world? As if your prayers have been answered, a tornado whips up and you can't wait to see his bike become twisted metal. But he avoids this, too. 

Just when you think nothing can stop him, Death walks out from behind a hedge and stands with his sickle ready. The paperboy reaches for ammo, but his sack is empty. This is where the sidewalk ends. 

The neighbors rejoice and quietly bury his body under a tombstone in the yard of a non-subscriber as a sign to any other paperboys who come peddling by. 

The next morning you read the Daily Sun front page with a smile, "Paperboy calls it quits!" But how did the paper get delivered, then? You run outside to see papers strewn on the lawns of your neighbors and a new paperboy peddling away. This game is far from over.

 Send comments to dcshobiz@mail.uh.edu