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Sports

ESPN mag full of tons of quirky spors tales

Stat Boy

Jong Lee

Contemplating my next column, I was sitting in my room looking up the NCAA tournament info, then suddenly my brother walks in the room with the latest ESPN The Magazine and shows me this: "Romanian soccer player retires after being traded for 33 pounds of sausage. Team wants its meat back." I re-read the footnote. Then I shouted, "That's awesome!" I couldn't believe someone could be traded away for meat. I was thinking that I wish I could trade Tracy McGrady from my fantasy league for a piece of brisket (because my league has a no-cut list). Then on Tuesday, I sat down and went through the rest of my collection of ESPN The Magazine I had tucked away, and I found some really interesting, funny and weird news.

I twiddled through 16 copies of the magazine, writing down the most interesting pieces of news and divided them into sections: "Stupidity," "Bravery," "Weird" and "Funny."

First the stupid things people do. For instance, a judge led a "Go Seahawks!" cheer right before a manslaughter hearing. Idiot. No matter how big a fan you are, a courtroom is no place for a pep rally. Nothing you can do but just sigh. "New Mexico high school basketball player gives birth after a game. Says she didn't know she was pregnant." Come on, even Jessica Simpson thinks she's stupid. How on earth can a girl not know, seriously?

Professional athletes do stupid things too, for instance, when David Beckham was quoted as saying, "I can't do my 6-year-old's math homework." Luckily, he's married to Posh and he's a very talented soccer player, but take away his assets, he's no better than his 76-year-old.

I only found one thing throughout my rummaging that was really an act of bravery. A Canadian mom fought off a polar bear after it crashed a street hockey game. This was a serious ordeal, and I really commend her for what I assume was her protecting her kids.

At the collegiate level, what struck me as weird was when Duke and North Carolina played a world record 58-hour game. Can you imagine how many reserves and gallons of Gatorade would be required for this? Ultimately, Duke toppled UNC in a 3,688 to 3,444 thriller. What I can never imagine happening was when a Malibu man passed on tickets to Wilt Chamberlain's 100-point game. Well, that doesn't really strike me as weird, but what happened this past year does. The same man passed tickets to Kobe's 81-point game. What does he tell his grandchildren?

Here are some other serious hilarious sports moments. "Florida prep football team disbands after being outscored 299-0 through six games." Wait, this was supposed to be a program to prep high school kids for college? "Security stops Bud Selig in ALCS press box, asks to see credentials." Ha ha, Selig really can't catch a break. "Philly radio station stages TO's funeral" and "Pizza delivery guy refuses TO's $5 tip." Things really got bad for TO in Philly, and I can't wait to see what happens in Dallas. "Sparrow shot after knocking over 23,000 dominoes, delaying Guinness record try." I can't do anything but laugh at this. This is almost as funny as sausage for futbol player trade. Don't call PETA.

I really wanted to come up with a March Madness column, but I couldn't resist. Maybe next week when the elite eight is figured.

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