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Life & Arts

Help Arthur unsheathe his blade in 'Goblins'

My 8 Bits

Jason Poland 

Before horror existed as a film genre, it was a state of existence, usually occurring at night and always during a full moon. Tales of peasants devoured by graveyard creeps and maidens being carried off into the night by demons kept most dark-agers in their cottages when the sun went down. But such stories had no effect on the brave and horny. 

So in lieu of a scary flick to get his lady's pulse racing, armor-clad Arthur opts for a midnight graveyard picnic. As the opening scene unfolds in Ghosts 'N Goblins, we see Arthur's plan must be going well; he's already stripped down to his red polka-dot boxers. But just then, red-winged Satan swoops down from the sky and makes off with Arthur's date. Determined to finish what he started, he dons his armor and treks off on the most sexually frustrating and difficult adventure to ever exist on the NES.

Arthur's quest will send him through zombie-infested graveyards, murky forests, and haunted villages; he will literally go to Hell and back to get inside his lady's chastity belt. Whether spurned on more by his hormones or his honor, Arthur knows the importance of wearing protection. His suit of armor will protect him from only one hit dealt by the demons in his way, but after that, he'll be traipsing through the underworld in his underwear. 

Instead of the finesse of the whip that Simon Belmont of Castlevania fame uses, bearded Arthur prefers the penetrating shaft of a lance. Arthur will also encounter daggers, torches, axes and the holy cross during his quest to defeat Lucifer, who probably needed Arthur's date as a virgin sacrifice for one of his blood rituals. If only Arthur had put the moves on her sooner, they'd be together playing boneyard blanket bingo. 

I've stayed up until dawn trying to reunite Arthur with his lost love, but it turned out to be nothing more than a cataract-arresting exercise in futility. The game only encourages Arthur's frustrating princess-chasing obsession by giving him infinite continues. If not for this feature, no gamer would even see past Level 2. Much like Arthur's choice of weapon, Ghost 'N Goblins requires not skill to master, but driving brute force. 

Even once underwear-clad Arthur has reached Lucifer after six blood-letting levels, and has found the cross with which to defeat him, he won't actually relieve his damsel from distress until he's played through the entire game a second time. Other than to rob you of sleep, I have no idea why this is necessary. The sadistic programmers who designed Ghosts 'N Goblins must've not been getting any, so they definitely weren't going to let Arthur. 

Mark my words: One day, after my beard grows long like Arthur's, and I'm awake at some God-awful hour like Arthur, and I'm wearing nothing but my boxers like Arthur, I will beat Ghost 'N Goblins and Arthur will finally have his princess. At that point, I'll realize that it's 2021 and I spent more time helping two clusters of pixels come together than I have interacting with anyone comprised of more than 8-bits. 

Oh, Nintendo. You won't ever leave me, will you?
 

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