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Life & Arts

It's 'Halo,' not the Holy Grail

Leet Speak

Derek Lanphier 

Recent events have led me to take time out of my day and explain why the Halo games are not as good as the hype lets on. For the past week or so, all I've heard is, "Halo this, Halo that." Normally, I like to caution people before reading my rants; today, I will forgo that. Anyone who is easily offended and likes Halo, please read on.

Here are my top 10 reasons why Halo isn't as good as people may think it is. (That number is cut-down from 264 reasons):

10. Halo 2 

Halo 2's single-player mode is beatable in less than five hours. I would know -- I did it. You don't even have to be good at video games to complete it in less than six. I turned in the game the day it came out. The clerk's head exploded at EB Games out of confusion.

9. XBox

The XBox is more exploitable than a PC. People can write up cheats and hacks for an online multiplayer and get away with it way easier than they could on a computer, because Microsoft doesn't care.

8. Microsoft 

Need I say more? They don't love you; they love your money. Halo fanatics are one of the reasons Bill Gates sleeps on a bed made of money.

7. Characters

The characters have no depth. Seriously, what in the hell kind of name is "Master Chief"? And why does that alien sound like Darth Vader?

6. Unoriginal 

Halo was just a cheap rip-off of Tribes on the PC. Tribes was better, more innovative and not recognized enough. Ever heard of Tribes? I didn't think so.

5. Lame Ending

Halo 2 has no ending. No, you can't say it was a cliffhanger; cliffhangers leave you wanting more. Halo 2's story just stopped. The writers were like, "Giant explosion! Sorry, Bill, that's all I got." "Brilliant! I want this game on shelves by Tuesday!" Saying Halo 2 was a cliffhanger is like saying Titanic was a cliffhanger. 

4. Auto-aim

Halo and Halo 2 make use of an auto-aim feature. This means, you don't really need a lot of skill to play, which is weird in a game that is so competitive online. Because of auto-aim, everyone is a hotshot to begin with, and who enjoys something that's not a challenge? The game practically plays itself. Hell, let's just quit playing Halo and watch Battlefield Earth, because the quality is about the same. Wait, I apologize for that last statement; Battlefield Earth deserves more credit than that. Sorry, John Travolta, you still live on in our hearts.

3. Half-Life 2 is better

I can't seem to stress this enough: Better games came out before and after Halo 2, like Doom 3 and Half-Life 2, respectively. Both have better game play, better stories and better graphics. You still get free multiplayer games for just owning a copy of Half-Life 2. And guess what -- both games actually have an ending! 

2. Dreamcast

The system owns X-Box. Just thought I'd throw that out there. Self-explanatory.

And the No. 1 reason Halo is over-hyped: 

1. Lil' Poison

A 7-year-old won second place in the largest Halo free-for-all of all time. Sure he's talented but the game is just too beatable. Thanks a lot, auto-aim!

I'm willing to argue this topic to the bone. Realize that saying "Holy Crap, Halo rocks because you are lame!" does not constitute a trump-card to the arguments I've presented in this column, and I won't be responding to e-mails that seem as though they were written by the 7-year-old who beat everyone at Halo.
 

Send comments to dcshobiz@mail.uh.edu