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Life & Arts

Ulrich survives local rocker's wrath

Stay Sick

Jason Gagnon

This weekend, there was a hilarious development/psuedo-victory in the jihad for rock 'n' roll. On Friday night at the Jet Lounge, which is quickly becoming the coolest bar in town, one brave man made an attempt to urinate on troll Metallica drummer Lars Ulrich before being tossed out by some of the "musician's" entourage. I know this isn't as awesome as the guy from the North Side Kings knocking out Danzig, but we should still treat local rocker Bill Fool (bands include Bickley and the Down 'N' Dirties) as a hero for trying to give that Napoleonic little bastard a golden shower.

Of course, this is hard to believe, but there is photographic evidence of the encounter that is making its way to my mailbox shortly, and after talking to a barroom of people who witnessed this glorious event, allow me to provide you with a brief explanation of what went down. 

Bill was wasted out of his mind at the bar when some friends notice a rather short fellow who looked an awful lot like Ulrich in a corner. After some recon work, it turns out the guy was in town for the Basquiat exhibit (which you all should go visit on a daily basis) since he owns some of the paintings on display. So, in a moment of divine inspiration, Bill found someone with a camera, walked over to the rock star's table, exposes himself but is unfortunately thrust out of the venue before he could even squeeze out a drop. 

Having known the man for about a decade and having seen him do some pretty outlandish stuff (usually involving his unleashed genitalia), nothing has made me prouder to be his friend than his failed attempt at pulling an R. Kelly on one of the most annoying little jerks in music history. All hail Bill Fool!

Now back to the usual ranting and raving. I really love KISS (well, up until Dynasty, anyway), and I find myself becoming increasingly disgusted by the shameless greed of Gene Simmons. I could handle the coffins and condoms he hawked, but I recently saw the man in a commercial for Bud Light, and it set me off. 

Gene doesn't drink and has been very vocal in condemning alcohol consumption, which makes this ad campaign make about as much sense as Mel Gibson endorsing Anton LeVay books.

Mr. Simmons, please stick to licensing the hell out of the KISS name and leave the booze shilling to someone who won't look like a total hypocritical moron when doing so.

And speaking of endorsements, I would like to ask all readers to boycott Sprint, Duracell and anything else that uses Bon Jovi as a marketing ploy, because any company that is willing to give that band money doesn't deserve yours.
 

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