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Life & Arts

Chunky Karnov gives hope to all lazy butts

My 8 Bits

Jason Poland

As any seasoned lazy bones knows, getting motivated is the hardest part. The inactivist in all of us cries out for more sitting, eating and sleeping. Procrastination is the next step from zero mobility. Arranging your pens, cleaning out the cat box and even calling your mother will all occur before what you're really supposed to be doing. And with the Internet, well, you can just forget about doing it today. If you can't move yourself off the couch, then maybe the prime mover can help move you.

In Karnov, a side-scrolling action game for the Nintendo Entertainment System, you are Karnov, a Middle Eastern prince commanded by Allah to recover the lost treasures of Babylon. While it sounds like a typical crusade for gold, glory and God, the hero was probably chosen by Allah just to get his wide load out of the palace. Instead of seeking out a heap of Ali Baba's treasures, our hefty adventurer looks more interested in eating out a heap of baba ghannouj and hummus. While the road may be hard, and the man may be sweaty, Karnov proves that you don't need to be able to fit into tights to be a superhero. Sweat pants will do fine.

Karnov appears on the scene in a bolt of lightning; while providing expedient transportation from stage to stage, the shock of electricity is necessary to jumpstart his heart for the grueling trials ahead. Upon first glance, he looks like a shirtless Carl from Aqua Teen Hunger Force in pointy sultan shoes. The urge to quote Carl while Karnov angrily plods across the screen is more than tempting. Especially after Karnov turns blue and falls down on his back from exhaustion, you can almost hear him say, "I'm gonna go take a nap now and then call some hospitals." While Carl may need no instruction on how to rock 'n' roll, you may need some to play this bewildering game, whose play control and storyline leave the gamer guessing.

Karnov's main attack is his fire breath. Must be heartburn from too much spicy ezme salatsii. After you figure out that Karnov moves at a glacier's pace and has the vertical leap of septic tank, you may want to eat an entire turkey and sleep the whole thing off. Trudge on my wayward tub of lard and heed the workout plan of Allah. You may just help Karnov find treasure in places other than his couch cushions.

Helpful tools along the way make up for what Karnov lacks in physical ability. A ladder can be used to reach items, extra-pointy shoes give his jump a boost and wings even give the chunky Arab the chance to soar, all of which provide excellent cardiovascular exercise.

Karnov will also encounter enemies who will assault his body with fire and rocks, as well as those who assault his body image. Buff iron men and slender robots resembling M.U.S.C.L.E. Men toys from the 1980s bombard him with images of beefy perfection, but Karnov pays no mind. Instead of sucking in his gut, he bellows it out and lets out a flurry of acid reflux that sends them back to the pages of Flex and Testosterone Magazine.

After fighting mermen, lion tamers, T-Rexes, centipede women and the final treasure-guarding dragon, Karnov will reach his promised treasure of Babylon. Now that he's had an excellent cross-training session across Asia Minor, he can swim laps in his treasure vault like Scrooge McDuck, unless he spends it all on baklava.

What a prince could do with more treasure is beyond me. But the true treasure was not what was gained, but what was lost. Probably like 20 pounds of body fat.

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