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Opinion

France: Au revoir Halloween

Zach Lee
Opinion Columnist 

It doesn't take a war to get French people running; all it takes is a couple little girls dressed up as Disney princesses.

That's right. Instead of being alive with little Buzz Lightyears and miniature Captain Jack Sparrows, the streets of Paris were wrapped tightly in white flags Tuesday night like the mummified remains of some ancient Egyptian sissy because France is scared of Halloween.

In the end, it's a good thing because French children have to be sick of going home with pillowcases full of escargot.

But what caused this distaste for the laughter of children and the sweet aroma of delicately crafted caramel apples? What pushed France to become a tyrant over innocence and deprive its children of their inalienable right to enjoy bagfuls of chocolate on a crisp autumn night?

Reuters reported, it was "anti-Americanism."

It looks like the proverbial black cat is out of the bag, and it's about to cross France's path. First, Venezuelan dictator Hugo Chavez has the gall to saunter up to the podium at the United Nations and call President Bush the devil, and now the French people associate Americans with a night on which it is not uncommon to see several little boys dressed up in devil suits. 

And they are so adorable.

But there's nothing adorable about a French/Venezuelan alliance against the United States. 

Actually, it might be kind of cute. They could dress up like soldiers, and we could give them Kit-Kats and snickerdoodles when they came to knock on our doors. Even though they won't let their children do that.

The disturbing part of all of this is that France thinks that by punishing its children it will somehow hurt the United States.

Halloween is not even an American holiday. Everybody knows it came from the same Celtic people who held hands and danced around the fire at Stonehenge and chanted about the sun god. That's the kind of hippie junk French people should love.

Halloween is about the children. It's about walking to strangers' doors and threatening to throw eggs at their windows or place bags of flaming poo on their doorsteps if they don't offer some sort of oily treat. It's about yelling and fighting over the best candy. It's about being scared of an invisible boogeyman who will jump out and get the children who disobey their parents.

None of that has anything to do with America.

Parents in Paris had one hell of a time Tuesday night avoiding trick-or-treaters and their children went to bed without little pieces of Butterfingers stuck to their teeth. That's just wrong.

Someone must stand up and fight for the carefree childhood that France has abandoned. As Americans, we have a duty to fight for those who cannot fight for themselves, and if their parents are any indication, French children most definitely cannot fight. If we stop going around the neighborhood asking for candy, the French have won. 

That's my excuse, anyway.

Send comments to dccampus@mail.uh.edu